I wished I never knew you.
I've never felt this way before.
I wished you didn't tell me about your deepest thoughts, and asked about mine.
What went wrong?
I wished we didn't sit together and talk under the stars on that balmy evening.
You never told me and just left me.
I wished you didn't embrace me when you had to leave me each time.
I thought it was likely we could be something.
I wished you didn't tell me pugushipoyo randomly in the midweek.
You set the standards high, even though you told me I raised the bar.
I wished you didn't teach me that having good conversations was so interesting.
I thought maybe God sent you as a blessing, but I'm starting to think it is a painful experience.
I wished you didn't make me realise how important is it to be appreciate knowledge as it is.
As much as I would like to wipe you off my memories, I can't forget your voice.
I wished you didn't play with my emotions.
I'm trying to hate you... and I've never hated anyone before.
I wished you didn't once tell me how much you cared.
Even with all your weaknesses, I know I could never find someone else like you.
I wished you didn't tell me how much you respected me and that I was the prettiest in your sight.
I still can't bear to wipe out the photo we had together.
Much as I wished I never met you, I do wish we could just start afresh.
Saturday, 20 February 2016
Sunday, 14 February 2016
Waiting - Part of God's Plan?
Debs recommended me this article:
http://www.jonathanngan.com/thoughts/2016/2/1/why-does-god-make-us-wait
Which was pretty good I must say..
Waiting - something the impatient me truly dread. Two ways to see it, life's too short to wait for something but patience can be a virtue (Love is patient, love is kind...). I can't stand slowness, the gaps in time that I have to fill alone but by taking your time, it allows one to appreciate the smaller things in life that people who rush a lot tend to miss out on. Being the extrovert, I also fear being lonely, having to do things alone tend to have a stigma and it's so much better to share your feelings with someone else - perhaps that's the reason why I blog and write, it's so hard to keep things to yourself.
Throughout this 6.5 weeks, there had been a lot of waiting, some of which I'm still waiting for. Waiting for the doctor's diagnosis and prognosis, waiting for the healing, waiting to be given the green lights to run/swim/bike, waiting for E's texts, waiting for my life to go back to normal - and the usual day-to-day stuff like waiting for the bus, waiting for friends...etc. Well, some pointers after reading and reflecting:
1.Waiting builds your reliance on God.
I guess it's pretty true; I've been crying out to God, praying to Him, talking to Him, so much more these days and to my horror, it had declined since I've gone back to work and training. But still, the need to pray and talk to God still seems so much more important these days. Does that build a better relationship with Him? I do hope so.
2. Trust God - God's delay does not necessarily mean denial
This can only be revealed on hindsight because till now, there are a lot of things that I'm still waiting for and thinking about. I would really need to learn to "enjoy this process" - as the article mention. I do pray that everything goes well in His time.
3. How do we make of it when things may not turn out as we expect?
God would not withhold things from us but things we think are good may not necessarily be good - so once again, on hindsight then we would know what works.
So, yesterday, for the first time in my life, I went to a cafe on my own - Coast & Company at Siglap. I must say it is pretty quiet and it's a place to just sit down and read without people chasing you off. What more, it was a bike-themed cafe! I had planned to read my travel guides but ended up reading this magazine about cycling and travelling called "Far Ride" which kind of allowed me to realise that cycling, photography, travelling and design came all together. Also, a thought of working at a cafe would be pretty interesting, especially if I plan to take no-pay leave ;) Well, for future consideration. That afternoon, I did think quite a lot about E and I guess, understood him a lot better in the aspect of his dreams and cycling. I believe it is a rather unique thought that I doubt many Singaporean guys would have (besides him and Chris) but it is a rather lovely dream, I must say. It had also allowed me to respect pure cyclists a lot more, as they actually do respect their bikes a lot more than triathletes - the workmanship of the bike, more than the parts that make it go fast; as well as the beauty of cycling, rather than just the thrill of competing. Of course, both would come hand-in-hand but it's like appreciating knowledge for the process of gaining it and the beauty of information itself, more than the usage of the knowledge gained.
Perhaps I should do this again.
And yes, time does heals (I hope).
http://www.jonathanngan.com/thoughts/2016/2/1/why-does-god-make-us-wait
Which was pretty good I must say..
Waiting - something the impatient me truly dread. Two ways to see it, life's too short to wait for something but patience can be a virtue (Love is patient, love is kind...). I can't stand slowness, the gaps in time that I have to fill alone but by taking your time, it allows one to appreciate the smaller things in life that people who rush a lot tend to miss out on. Being the extrovert, I also fear being lonely, having to do things alone tend to have a stigma and it's so much better to share your feelings with someone else - perhaps that's the reason why I blog and write, it's so hard to keep things to yourself.
Throughout this 6.5 weeks, there had been a lot of waiting, some of which I'm still waiting for. Waiting for the doctor's diagnosis and prognosis, waiting for the healing, waiting to be given the green lights to run/swim/bike, waiting for E's texts, waiting for my life to go back to normal - and the usual day-to-day stuff like waiting for the bus, waiting for friends...etc. Well, some pointers after reading and reflecting:
1.Waiting builds your reliance on God.
I guess it's pretty true; I've been crying out to God, praying to Him, talking to Him, so much more these days and to my horror, it had declined since I've gone back to work and training. But still, the need to pray and talk to God still seems so much more important these days. Does that build a better relationship with Him? I do hope so.
2. Trust God - God's delay does not necessarily mean denial
This can only be revealed on hindsight because till now, there are a lot of things that I'm still waiting for and thinking about. I would really need to learn to "enjoy this process" - as the article mention. I do pray that everything goes well in His time.
3. How do we make of it when things may not turn out as we expect?
God would not withhold things from us but things we think are good may not necessarily be good - so once again, on hindsight then we would know what works.
So, yesterday, for the first time in my life, I went to a cafe on my own - Coast & Company at Siglap. I must say it is pretty quiet and it's a place to just sit down and read without people chasing you off. What more, it was a bike-themed cafe! I had planned to read my travel guides but ended up reading this magazine about cycling and travelling called "Far Ride" which kind of allowed me to realise that cycling, photography, travelling and design came all together. Also, a thought of working at a cafe would be pretty interesting, especially if I plan to take no-pay leave ;) Well, for future consideration. That afternoon, I did think quite a lot about E and I guess, understood him a lot better in the aspect of his dreams and cycling. I believe it is a rather unique thought that I doubt many Singaporean guys would have (besides him and Chris) but it is a rather lovely dream, I must say. It had also allowed me to respect pure cyclists a lot more, as they actually do respect their bikes a lot more than triathletes - the workmanship of the bike, more than the parts that make it go fast; as well as the beauty of cycling, rather than just the thrill of competing. Of course, both would come hand-in-hand but it's like appreciating knowledge for the process of gaining it and the beauty of information itself, more than the usage of the knowledge gained.
Perhaps I should do this again.
And yes, time does heals (I hope).
Thursday, 4 February 2016
Lang Leav, Raw Emotions, True words...
I've never encountered such a writer as Lang Leav. Her words, although rather simple, seem to reflect all my raw inner thoughts so accurately. She is one who writes about love and relationships, most of , the time rather sad feelings, mirrors my current emotional state.
"I loved how his eyes danced merrily,
and the gentle way he spoke;
the way he filled my aimless days,
with bitterness and hope.
I loved him as I fell to sleep,
and each morning as I woke;
I loved him with all my wayward heart - until the day it broke"
I really loved "Talk again" as well.
Somehow, it is true that emotions bring out the best in our writings. When emotions flood in, the tears roll, words seem to flow more easily although your heart might be too distraught for your mind to pen the words systematically down. But recently, I've been penning down so much of my thoughts because it's pretty tiring to keep it all in my mind (and also because I'm less active now due to my injury).
It was pretty much "love at first sight" - although I'm a non-believer of that because it was always one-sided. This was the first time there was a mutual attraction and I do miss that attention. I've never met such a cute scientist, thought that it only exists in reel life.
I do miss seeing E, hearing about his passion and talking together about his dreams. It was not only about sports or work, which I do hear most of the time, it was both. I've never heard of a person so bold to pursue not normal goals, but great dreams, and actually meticulously having plans for them. I've never met someone who truly appreciates knowledge and conversations, being one of great knowledge and a good conversationalist himself, yet allows me to feel comfortable in silence. I'll never really look at someone else in the same light.
What happened to all the 보고 싶어요?
나는, 너무 보고 싶어요 ... :(
"I loved how his eyes danced merrily,
and the gentle way he spoke;
the way he filled my aimless days,
with bitterness and hope.
I loved him as I fell to sleep,
and each morning as I woke;
I loved him with all my wayward heart - until the day it broke"
I really loved "Talk again" as well.
Somehow, it is true that emotions bring out the best in our writings. When emotions flood in, the tears roll, words seem to flow more easily although your heart might be too distraught for your mind to pen the words systematically down. But recently, I've been penning down so much of my thoughts because it's pretty tiring to keep it all in my mind (and also because I'm less active now due to my injury).
It was pretty much "love at first sight" - although I'm a non-believer of that because it was always one-sided. This was the first time there was a mutual attraction and I do miss that attention. I've never met such a cute scientist, thought that it only exists in reel life.
I do miss seeing E, hearing about his passion and talking together about his dreams. It was not only about sports or work, which I do hear most of the time, it was both. I've never heard of a person so bold to pursue not normal goals, but great dreams, and actually meticulously having plans for them. I've never met someone who truly appreciates knowledge and conversations, being one of great knowledge and a good conversationalist himself, yet allows me to feel comfortable in silence. I'll never really look at someone else in the same light.
What happened to all the 보고 싶어요?
나는, 너무 보고 싶어요 ... :(
Tuesday, 2 February 2016
5 Weeks Post-accident Updates
As the heading reads, it has been 5 weeks after I got hit and broke my clavicle. Has things changed?
Well, as much as the doctor gave some good news, there was a double whammy when my ex-crush and good friend told me he's attached. Somehow this hurts more and I'm really not looking forward to this year at all :(
Oh by the way, I saw this blog about broken collarbone, would need it for future reference:
http://www.hanskellner.com/2006/04/24/chads-broken-collar-bone-report/
Yes and no.
Yes in the way E treats me and somewhat gives me the impression that there would be bad news (unfortunately more cold, and friendzoned) and no, we are not meeting still. You might have thought you won't hurt me, but I think you did, A LOT and I can't seem to move on.
Yes in how my condition seems better and I can run (thank God I don't hurt anymore when I move) and no, the bone hasn't rejoined.
Yes in how I'm back at work and people are more used to me and no, I'm still pretty inefficient doing cases.
Yes in how I'm happy to feel slightly closer to God and doing more devotions now and no, I'm still hoping to look for a church that I feel at home in.
Yes in what I learnt about the body mechanics through reading and talking to friends such as how fractures heal, what is a pneumothorax, speech therapy and vocal cords.
Just a tip for those who injured their collarbone (mine was a comminuted fracture, which is a break into many pieces), I definitely feel a surgery would be better but unfortunately wasn't given that option. Also, exercises you can do (only) would be walking, climbing stairs (least movement to shoulder) and stationary cycling.
Well, as much as the doctor gave some good news, there was a double whammy when my ex-crush and good friend told me he's attached. Somehow this hurts more and I'm really not looking forward to this year at all :(
Oh by the way, I saw this blog about broken collarbone, would need it for future reference:
http://www.hanskellner.com/2006/04/24/chads-broken-collar-bone-report/
Monday, 25 January 2016
Korean Dramas: Reel Life and Real Life
E. recommended me to watch "Marriage, without dating" (연애 말고 결혼) when I got bored and recently, I completed another short drama series "Noble My Love" (고결한 그대). Interestingly, I enjoyed both series very much and both have similar plots - basically a marriage contract signed so that the male protagonists, who are from influential families, don't have to go on blind dates and get married at their mother's whims. While "Marriage without dating" is longer (50min for 20 episodes) and more side stories, "Noble my Love" is probably a webcast and solely fixed on the couple (15min for 20 episodes). I believe that many Korean dramas also have this storyline but surprisingly, I don't seem to tire, probably because of the actors ;)
In both dramas, Cha Yoon Seo (Kim Jae Kyung) and Joo Jang Mi (Han Groo) are female heroines - one plays a vet, another plays a salesgirl from less well-to-do families, whose bubbly personalities attracted the rich and successful bachelors who aren't interested in marriage, Lee Kang Hoon (Sung Hoon) who is a CEO and Gong Gi Tae (Yeon Woojin), a plastic surgeon. Also, both ladies actually managed to save the guy in one of the scenes - Yoon Seo stitched Kang Hoon's wound when he was kidnapped and stabbed, while Jang Mi rescued Gi Tae when he was locked in his toilet (a little less glam). Both has the marriage contract in place where the guy later falls in love with the girl and evil mothers objecting to the marriage, although " Marriage" has it worse because the drama is longer. Well, be glad to know that both ended on a happy note :)
I must say that both dramas also have not one, but TWO cute actors fighting over the girl. How lucky is that. "Marriage" has Han Yeo-reum (Jin Woon from 2AM) also chasing Jangmi while "Noble" has Sang Hyun (Park Eun Suk) chasing Yoon Seo. I do prefer Kang Hoon's demeanor (and the formal suits-style) although Gi Tae's antics and colour shirts are kinda cute. Some eye candies here:
Interestingly, these are dramas I enjoy most - happy endings that are really sweet - and I believe, most Koreans do too, given the dramas' popularity and how scriptwriters are re-using such storylines so often. Sociologically speaking, perhaps these are storylines that invoke the imaginary hopes/dreams/fairy tale-like wishes in many people. And it probably does also reflect the beliefs/cultures of the Korean society, that moms want the best for their sons but very often this does backfire. True love also triumphs over all evil moms - more so or less, the guy is still the successful one who calls the shots. Real life probably isn't like that so maybe that's why people are still suckers for fairy tale like endings.
How nice if real life can resemble a Korean drama :)
보고싶어요 :/
보고싶어요 :/
Friday, 22 January 2016
A month post-accident...
Yes, I'm writing again. Somehow, emotions seem to be the biggest push factor to make me want to write. And somehow, I have not many other avenues to air these emotions, or maybe it isn't the same to air it to people who may seem as clueless as you, or paint an alternative picture which you don't really fancy.
It has been almost a month (minus 3 days) since the accident and I still feel things aren't back, or even nearing normal; even though people do tell me I look perfectly normal. Still can't do much activity, still can't run/swim/bike, still can't work properly without getting tired, still feeling bloated and fat, still feeling frustrated, still feeling left out and lonely. I really do hope I don't get any depression anytime soon :(
Things have been pretty aimless and there's nothing much to look forward to - which I realised is a huge push factor to make me more efficient to do things in life. I don't survive well alone, maybe it's alright for solo trips overseas, but definitely I need people around me.
Not too sure how is the collarbone healing - there's still a gap but it's not as painful, although I do get tired easily. Looking forward to physio next week to at least give me the go-ahead to do something more active. Maybe the doctor should have operated on me :o
I do need a miracle.
It has been almost a month (minus 3 days) since the accident and I still feel things aren't back, or even nearing normal; even though people do tell me I look perfectly normal. Still can't do much activity, still can't run/swim/bike, still can't work properly without getting tired, still feeling bloated and fat, still feeling frustrated, still feeling left out and lonely. I really do hope I don't get any depression anytime soon :(
Things have been pretty aimless and there's nothing much to look forward to - which I realised is a huge push factor to make me more efficient to do things in life. I don't survive well alone, maybe it's alright for solo trips overseas, but definitely I need people around me.
Not too sure how is the collarbone healing - there's still a gap but it's not as painful, although I do get tired easily. Looking forward to physio next week to at least give me the go-ahead to do something more active. Maybe the doctor should have operated on me :o
I do need a miracle.
Monday, 4 January 2016
The "i'm bored" post
My first post of 2016 and currently Day 10 of post-accident; really bored at home - given the great procrastinator I am, I did manage to tidy up my cupboards and desk, read and blog given the time at home.
But I really want to note down some encouragements from service yesterday; hope I won't forget them and also some thoughts after reading some articles from: www.christianitytoday.com ; which can be useful reminders for myself and future bf/husband-to-be, given that I've been feeling quite discouraged from recent issues.
3 things not to lose in the New Year ahead:
1. JOY
Joy in whatever I do,which defines us as Christians. To remember joy is God-given.
2. PASSION
Passion in service, work, goals and aims in life.Without passion, life can be a real bore.
3.COMPASSION
There's a difference between treating others with compassion and just reacting to situations. Definitely, the former is more genuine.
Secondly, because E and I have touched on this topic before and I'm not too familiar, given that it is a 'taboo' topic,I thought it was rather interesting to read about the Christian perspective(s) in case we do discuss it once again. I guess, ultimately, from what I've gathered, is that:
1. God knows our desires and longings because He creatively placed them there.
2.Still a little confused about sexual orientation vis-a-vis certain occult preachings like Jesus having a feminine side
3. Christianity shouldn't be a set of restrictions but more meant to set us free from the ways/practices/followings of the world about sexuality-meaning all the extremist, normalised socialised views the world adopts in relation to sex, the do's and don'ts. This view is rather liberating but definitely there are boundaries, as set by God in the Bible (http://www.growthtrac.com/marriage-bed/#.VolB-fl97IU), rather than Man.
(http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2015/july/staying-faithful-how-our-sex-lives-matter-to-god.html?start=2). This doesn't mean that God doesn't value virginity/chastity but we shouldn't commoditise/put a judgement to it.
4. Body and sexuality issues matter to God
But I really want to note down some encouragements from service yesterday; hope I won't forget them and also some thoughts after reading some articles from: www.christianitytoday.com ; which can be useful reminders for myself and future bf/husband-to-be, given that I've been feeling quite discouraged from recent issues.
3 things not to lose in the New Year ahead:
1. JOY
Joy in whatever I do,which defines us as Christians. To remember joy is God-given.
2. PASSION
Passion in service, work, goals and aims in life.Without passion, life can be a real bore.
3.COMPASSION
There's a difference between treating others with compassion and just reacting to situations. Definitely, the former is more genuine.
Secondly, because E and I have touched on this topic before and I'm not too familiar, given that it is a 'taboo' topic,I thought it was rather interesting to read about the Christian perspective(s) in case we do discuss it once again. I guess, ultimately, from what I've gathered, is that:
1. God knows our desires and longings because He creatively placed them there.
2.Still a little confused about sexual orientation vis-a-vis certain occult preachings like Jesus having a feminine side
3. Christianity shouldn't be a set of restrictions but more meant to set us free from the ways/practices/followings of the world about sexuality-meaning all the extremist, normalised socialised views the world adopts in relation to sex, the do's and don'ts. This view is rather liberating but definitely there are boundaries, as set by God in the Bible (http://www.growthtrac.com/marriage-bed/#.VolB-fl97IU), rather than Man.
(http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2015/july/staying-faithful-how-our-sex-lives-matter-to-god.html?start=2). This doesn't mean that God doesn't value virginity/chastity but we shouldn't commoditise/put a judgement to it.
4. Body and sexuality issues matter to God
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