On stumbling, getting hurt and brushing the dust off my knees

It has been a month since the last fall. And the wound still feels pretty fresh.

I realised I've been stumbling quite a bit over the past few months and somehow the vulnerability doesn't seem to lessen. I seem to be still making the same errors and getting hurt once again. But I guess I find myself recovering, brushing the dust off my knees and getting back again. It's tiring. And I wish that there's someone (physically - besides God) there for me to help me get back. I believe we all need someone, just to be there.

I just don't understand how people can change partners and complain about them so often while others, who seek acceptance and love, never seem to find any.

Secret Love Song

Came across this song which was covered by the Sam Willows but surprisingly I found the original so much better and emotional.

We keep behind close doors

Every time I see you, I die a little more

Stolen moments that we steal as curtains falls

It'll never be enough

Pretty much sums up the emotions these past few weeks and had also brought back a piece of nostalgia from 2014's trip in London, one of the trips closest to my heart. It was when I met and knew Kenny better (and before he got attached), while he was a lot more unguarded. London was a place where I had a lot of mixed emotions, probably brought about by the weather.

These few weeks had been a emotional roller coaster for me, not sure if work had helped or contributed to it further but it had left me super drained. Who says cabin crew dept is so much better?

And perhaps someone pointed out something so true, perhaps I'm so upset/sore because I've lost the battle to someone that seemed less capable than me. Is it just only the competitiveness in me? That can be quite scary too. Life's unfair though

Tastes changes, so do guys...

It's only the start of April of 2016 and there's so many relationship issues?

Seriously, I need to learn how to actually stop falling for the wrong guys. It seems like over the years, my tastes have been changing and each time, the standards get higher and on hindsight, sometimes I wonder, why did I even liked that guy? I guess university and work does open boundaries - I used to think that the age range shouldn't be too far but I'm getting more liberal with my choices. But by doing so, it allows for more vulnerabilities. I'm not so sure why did my taste changed so drastically this time round but it's getting dangerous; and I'm becoming a little more like Rach, with the exception of a criteria of doing sports a bit more competitively.

He's in all ways eligible (at least that's what I choose to assume) but the caveat is that this guy's married (or that's what his records say but he didn't mention) and the age gap is pretty huge (think Jay Chou and wife). Stability and pretty good-looking are the key points. He claimed to attend church too.

This guy is pretty close to breaking my heart but I'm really gonna need all willpower to avoid him. Really don't know why he chose to be so nice to me but now it seems like he's also pretty chummy with HP. So I'm guessing he might be a player.

SO NO. I'm not sure why God throws all these people into my life to tease my heart but if only He could harden my heart a little, it would help. ALOT.

----------------------------------------ON HINDSIGHT--------------------------------------------------------

And so, I did consult people.. turns out that i got played out again...

I never seem to learn from this - trusting the wrong people, especially when you feel that the person's safe to trust because he claimed to be Christian (ugh..twice happened) and because he's so nice (at least for some period) - one indicated interest, one showed interest..

On dealing with broken hearts, God's Will and perhaps, learning more patience

Yet another long weekend for me which began on Thursday because I had to clear some leave and once again, some unexpected feelings crept up. Oddly, I was disappointed when I thought I was looking forward to Wednesday and Friday, and when I least expect, I was rather pleasantly surprised on a supposed normal me-alone Thursday. There's still quite a packed Saturday and Sunday and I really am trying to learn not to expect anything so I can avoid feeling more disappointed.

Once again, A did tell me he was coming on Wednesday, probably to walk but in the end, he told me he had something on and wasn't able to make it - a little disappointed but at least I got Michael to pace me and 15k was in the bag.

Thursday started off as a day full of appointments but it ended on a pretty good note. Was talking to A in the morning and found out he was on leave too and couldn't say no to lunch (at least I didn't have to hang around with the parents after the lawyer's appointment). Good thing he picked me up at Potong Pasir (although I was surprised he got there so quickly) cos it was terribly humid and I was in desperate need of aircon. To satisfy his craving of prawn mee, I really can't believe he brought me to the Naked Finn at Gillman Barracks! Yes, the prawn mee was rather pricey at $25++ but the seafood there was reputed to be fresh (didn't try the prawns but the fish was really tender). I'm not too huge a fan of hawker/Chinese food but this sort of fusion food did change my preconceptions. Not too bad a choice although the place is rather inaccessible without a car. Thereafter, we went over to Novena and hung around till my speech therapy appointment. Afterwhich, I went for an eyelash touchup and Nike 9k run. I was also mildly surprised I received some lovely matcha chocs from Seoul :)

Friday was (is) Good Friday. Rode with the NUS guys, Sara and Vern and did a 85km West Loop. Feels good to be back on the bike and trying to catch the guys' draft. I must say my bike fitness dropped quite a lot although on flats it was ok but climbing was tough. Hope it gets better soon. Went for Wesley's Good Friday Service - really miss the P&P Service and I regret not going earlier cos there was no seats and we got bumped to the Traditional Service. Well, but at least I made it for a Wesley Service! After service, Debs, myself met up with Naz, Sher and Yew Wee for lunch/catch-up at Haji Lane called "I am" - a halal hipster cafe. Food looked good and pricing was not too bad; just that it was non-airconditioned and the food felt a bit too oily for my liking. Perhaps I still prefer brunch cafes.Well, all went pretty ok until David came and the guys started talking about his girlfriend. It kinda hit me hard; although I was trying to brace myself based on Sher's updates last week on it. I guess, as much as I was happy to see David after some time, learning this was quite damaging to the rest of my day. Speaking of which, I did realise the type of guys I fancied was pretty similar so far, perhaps with the exception of A, that I'll be elaborating later as the thought is unconventional, even as I think about it. It's ok - I just have to harden my heart - AGAIN, and perhaps it won't break; or at least, not as hard.

On the way back, many thoughts ran through my head; hopefully I can actually categorise them well.

1. They said, names have special meanings. Of my 26 years of existence, people often tell me, in Hebrew, Sarah means "princess" and of course, as a kid, it did feel pretty special but now, this thought - why did my parents name me Sarah (or if God was the one that planted it)? Am I stuck to God's plan of making me patient by waiting? After all, in the Bible, Sarah waited 35 (i think) years for a child. This made me feel helpless and somehow I feel troubled by this. God's plan - what is it?

2. The types of guys I dated/fancied changed quite a bit but somehow can be grouped into 2 categories:
-Soccer players
-Cyclists (vs triathletes)

3. The curiosity of A's personal life really bothers me a lot. While I know I shouldn't even be thinking about A AT ALL, I need some distractions from other issues, and this odd relationship between us seem to offer A LOT of reprieve cos it certainly doesn't seem very platonic.

Will elaborate on it again sometime soon.

My 101th post and on one of the better weekends in 2016 (finally..)

Honestly, I was more excited about this (long) weekend than the one which I went to Bangkok for and it did seemed that it was pretty much packed with activities that time really flies.

After a pretty good RD run, which I did feel a little disappointed that A didn't turn up cos he was heading to Seoul, I headed home for some much needed sleep. The long weekend started for me!

Began Thursday with going for my appointments and did my dynamic bike fit at Loue with Shuwie for $450, my highest investment yet.Took about 4h but it was pretty good, I must say...Started Friday with an easy ride and swim and another day of appointments. Friday night, Debs and I went for CLEO Bachelors' Party at ZOUK, which I was a little more excited for. Besides the pretty cool goody bag, I was there to support Malcom, whom I met at another fringe event. This year's party was a little disappointing though cos they were playing so many games and there wasn't much introduction on the bachelors, such that there wasn't much of an impression made on the audience. The games were cute though - thank goodness Malcom played some biting on the pocky stick game, which wasn't too embarrassing or tough on him. It'd be cool to stay for some clubbing which I haven't done in ages but I had to run a race the next day..Although we didn't have much time to talk, it was nice to see him.

To cut the long story short, I was first for Women Open (21:08) for the CEO run but somehow the impact didn't seem to be there. Glad that my legs felt ok after cycling down so it was more of a brick session. Thereafter, we went down to Killney's Real Food to celebrate Coach David's birthday. It was a nice and cosy gathering and the food was not bad. It has been quite a while since I've talked to the rest of the team and it felt nice to talk to Jon, Pete, Barbs and the rest..Went to Mandarin Gallery in search of coffee and a cafe to read because it was hard to find an empty one! Guess I'd have to do more research before heading out. Coincidentally, I bumped into Philip, whom I've never met since uni! Well, he was supposed to kill some time by reading but he decided to ask me for coffee and we ended up at Jones the Grocer. Despite that, there was so much to talk about and there was simply no need to break the ice. In that 2h I think I learnt so much more about him than in the time he was in cross coutnry! From his job, to wing chun, to what was happening, to Chicago, I do enjoy such impromptu meet-ups and it'd be nice if this could happen more often - just randomly meeting people and having meaningful conversations with them; I do really really miss that, especially with E.

Speaking of E, yes, I met him on the ride today. Was expecting it but didn't really know quite how to react to the situation. He made the first move (as usual) when he saw me at Lower Pierce although I was riding behind him most of the time. Had really mixed feelings but it did seem like to him, nothing much happened :( My first official ride on the bike went pretty well and the route was...interesting. We rode into Bukit Brown first and boy, having no headlight sucks :/  Then the route led us to Mt Pleasant, Lower and Upper Pierce. It was fun to get to know the other RCC boys and other ladies on the ride. If only this was a Saturday, then I wouldn't have to rush for church..

Oh, was happy for A cos he texted me on his marathon time=3:14! Although it wasn't a qualified time, it was pretty good. Hope he isn't too disappointed though and he'll be back tomorrow.

After church, met Sher for tea and time passed so fast! It was great catching up with her :)

Overall, I guess I couldn't ask more for this weekend. Now, back to how to deal with the E issue..

On racing, disappointments and perhaps, getting stronger

I ran my first race of 2016 today - Venus Run, a 5km race - with a nett timing of 23:10.

Wasn't the best shot ever and was feeling pretty much hesitant about running because I felt unprepared and I successfully managed to fall ill the night before (probably due to the heat). Moreover, word from the organisers mentioned that they will be combining all teams of 4 into one category due to the lack of numbers and I was pretty afraid of competing with F1 or Shufflers. We didn't send in a strong team this year because Rachel was out and I was down but I was glad for Debs, Kristal and Michelle, who were positive and kept my spirits up.

Been talking to A more often nowadays and he mentioned that he'll be down to support but little did I expect him to go down to run with me! Really thankful for him helping me keep pace though I was lagging behind a bit. Sounds wrong but recently, I've been so thankful for him as a distraction to all my worries and issues. Honestly, it sounds even more wrong when A mentioned he attended church too :O So yes, we won 3rd for team category (yays!), at least still top 3 even though I was a little disappointment we dropped from 1st placing last year. But yea, I'm thankful.

After that, Debs and I went to watch the OCBC road cycling at Seletar. She went to support Dane and I was there to support David, Dwayne and Shuwie. Was a bit worried that I'll bump into E but thankfully no. Well, the race was exciting with crashes and sprint-offs but was quite disappointed that David didn't manage to hang onto the pack at the last 1.5 loops. Road racing seems scary though. I thought I saw E with the rest of the guys but it turned out he was likely in the sportive category and that he crashed out on the 3rd lap.

Momentarily I felt sorry for him but I guess after reading his post, maybe not so after all. Well, his girl went down to support him so perhaps, that was all that he needed...I really still can't let go of the whole issue at all..

Am I disappointed with what happened today? Yes..Am i perhaps getting stronger? Maybe.

Of relationships that never go your way...

I thought I won't be catching any movies onboard my SIN-BKK-SIN trip but in the end "The Third Way of Love 제3의 사랑 " starring Liu Yi Fei and (the super charismatic) Song Seung Heon caught my attention. Although I didn't manage to finish the movie, I'll be sure to try to complete it, as much as there are warnings that the ending would be really sad. It does seem like this movie is shot by some acclaimed director, John H. Lee.

Somehow, I do tend to relate dramas, especially when it involves romance and relationships and that's why I do like watching them when I hardly even watch movies. What's more interesting is that these two are a couple in real life, despite their 11-year age difference, Liu Yifei is 28 while Song Seung Heon is 39 - which brings me to the next topic to muse.

How would it feels like to date someone 10 years plus older than you? Or even to have some feelings? This excludes celebrity crushes on older guys like Song Seung Heon, Gong Yoo, Lee Byung Hun (which I rarely favour but these are the hotter ones).

I've never dwelled or thought about this topic before because most of the time, I'm meeting people around my age, with 2-4 years age gaps and I don't really find older guys too charming. But recently, I surprised myself by having such a thought. Perhaps after having met so many guys and having quite a few bad experiences, it does indeed fulfill some of the criteria which I do (and rather most women in general) look for in a guy, I believe. Charisma, stability, confidence, goal-oriented, well-connected, maturity, sensitivity - qualities that only time and experience would mould (then again, there are exceptions). However, there are qualities they would lack as they lose their boyishness, recklessness and perhaps fun-loving nature but this shouldn't be generalised. Over the past year, I've met guys who are younger but have the maturity of an older gentleman, and older guys who still retain their boyishness.

Perhaps I'm rather tired of the uncertainties of life, as fun they might be, and am feeling rather old, but having someone mature who is certain and confidence of his direction does give me a sense of stability in this evolving world. Perhaps I like consistency in my life - it makes things a lot easier in this complicated world. Perhaps that was what had drawn me to E in the first place, even though looks, height and abilities do play a part.

In the process of recovering and moving on, I've plunged headfirst into unchartered territories, which can be rather scary and comforting at the same time. I'm able to pinpoint qualities that I prioritise but it's scary that it seems like all these qualities are derived from the wrong person. I guess maybe it's too early to pen these thoughts down, since I'm still thinking hard about it but I hope nothing really bad happens when I touch the forbidden fruit.

Really like this song :)