On expectations - when reality sinks in

Was initially pretty excited about today since the start of the week but somehow it felt like a disappointment at the end of the day..that's when expectations had been beyond what actually occurred. Work was, as usual, tough and I was looking for something to cheer me up at the end of the week but so far, it was pretty much a letdown.

I made the decision to join the Specialised team led by the Mavericks for a short ride in the west. Thought that it might be a fast and interesting ride, and hoping to get to know people but unlike Rapha rides where the guys (and some of the girls) are friendly and genuine. I guess Specialised is more commercialised and catered to the large masses so the riders who go are also very much different in riding levels and ability to converse. Don't know whether it was indeed a good choice to skip riding with the guys and go for this ride. Even though I managed about 70+ km in total, it was a little disappointing.

After that I went for SG Coffee Festival with N. Was also pretty excited, both by the coffee event and since this was the first time out with him, I did wonder how it would be like given that it was going out with another RCC guy who was my sister's age. Honestly, the impression I had of N was pretty good and being an ex-barista had its qualities. It was strange that I started comparing him to E. While I shouldn't have told him about E, I was comparing him quite a bit.

I'm pretty much attracted to good conversationalists and people with strong principles. Both E and N were exceptional although they had differing views on what made a good conversation and it was interesting to know. Both were guys of strong principles but whether they stuck to it, was another story. Both were interestingly knowledgeable but in their own ways. Both were younger than me but they had different maturity levels. But one was interested in settling, the other wasn't.

However, I found myself still quite attracted. Unfortunately, I think the impression I got from him was no, he wasn't interested and sad to say, he was after all pretty young and not as gentlemanly. Oh wells, at least it wasn't too deep unlike my previous 2.

I think I really need a change of environment to distract myself.

Secret Love Song

Came across this song which was covered by the Sam Willows but surprisingly I found the original so much better and emotional.

We keep behind close doors

Every time I see you, I die a little more

Stolen moments that we steal as curtains falls

It'll never be enough

Pretty much sums up the emotions these past few weeks and had also brought back a piece of nostalgia from 2014's trip in London, one of the trips closest to my heart. It was when I met and knew Kenny better (and before he got attached), while he was a lot more unguarded. London was a place where I had a lot of mixed emotions, probably brought about by the weather.

These few weeks had been a emotional roller coaster for me, not sure if work had helped or contributed to it further but it had left me super drained. Who says cabin crew dept is so much better?

And perhaps someone pointed out something so true, perhaps I'm so upset/sore because I've lost the battle to someone that seemed less capable than me. Is it just only the competitiveness in me? That can be quite scary too. Life's unfair though

On dealing with broken hearts, God's Will and perhaps, learning more patience

Yet another long weekend for me which began on Thursday because I had to clear some leave and once again, some unexpected feelings crept up. Oddly, I was disappointed when I thought I was looking forward to Wednesday and Friday, and when I least expect, I was rather pleasantly surprised on a supposed normal me-alone Thursday. There's still quite a packed Saturday and Sunday and I really am trying to learn not to expect anything so I can avoid feeling more disappointed.

Once again, A did tell me he was coming on Wednesday, probably to walk but in the end, he told me he had something on and wasn't able to make it - a little disappointed but at least I got Michael to pace me and 15k was in the bag.

Thursday started off as a day full of appointments but it ended on a pretty good note. Was talking to A in the morning and found out he was on leave too and couldn't say no to lunch (at least I didn't have to hang around with the parents after the lawyer's appointment). Good thing he picked me up at Potong Pasir (although I was surprised he got there so quickly) cos it was terribly humid and I was in desperate need of aircon. To satisfy his craving of prawn mee, I really can't believe he brought me to the Naked Finn at Gillman Barracks! Yes, the prawn mee was rather pricey at $25++ but the seafood there was reputed to be fresh (didn't try the prawns but the fish was really tender). I'm not too huge a fan of hawker/Chinese food but this sort of fusion food did change my preconceptions. Not too bad a choice although the place is rather inaccessible without a car. Thereafter, we went over to Novena and hung around till my speech therapy appointment. Afterwhich, I went for an eyelash touchup and Nike 9k run. I was also mildly surprised I received some lovely matcha chocs from Seoul :)

Friday was (is) Good Friday. Rode with the NUS guys, Sara and Vern and did a 85km West Loop. Feels good to be back on the bike and trying to catch the guys' draft. I must say my bike fitness dropped quite a lot although on flats it was ok but climbing was tough. Hope it gets better soon. Went for Wesley's Good Friday Service - really miss the P&P Service and I regret not going earlier cos there was no seats and we got bumped to the Traditional Service. Well, but at least I made it for a Wesley Service! After service, Debs, myself met up with Naz, Sher and Yew Wee for lunch/catch-up at Haji Lane called "I am" - a halal hipster cafe. Food looked good and pricing was not too bad; just that it was non-airconditioned and the food felt a bit too oily for my liking. Perhaps I still prefer brunch cafes.Well, all went pretty ok until David came and the guys started talking about his girlfriend. It kinda hit me hard; although I was trying to brace myself based on Sher's updates last week on it. I guess, as much as I was happy to see David after some time, learning this was quite damaging to the rest of my day. Speaking of which, I did realise the type of guys I fancied was pretty similar so far, perhaps with the exception of A, that I'll be elaborating later as the thought is unconventional, even as I think about it. It's ok - I just have to harden my heart - AGAIN, and perhaps it won't break; or at least, not as hard.

On the way back, many thoughts ran through my head; hopefully I can actually categorise them well.

1. They said, names have special meanings. Of my 26 years of existence, people often tell me, in Hebrew, Sarah means "princess" and of course, as a kid, it did feel pretty special but now, this thought - why did my parents name me Sarah (or if God was the one that planted it)? Am I stuck to God's plan of making me patient by waiting? After all, in the Bible, Sarah waited 35 (i think) years for a child. This made me feel helpless and somehow I feel troubled by this. God's plan - what is it?

2. The types of guys I dated/fancied changed quite a bit but somehow can be grouped into 2 categories:
-Soccer players
-Cyclists (vs triathletes)

3. The curiosity of A's personal life really bothers me a lot. While I know I shouldn't even be thinking about A AT ALL, I need some distractions from other issues, and this odd relationship between us seem to offer A LOT of reprieve cos it certainly doesn't seem very platonic.

Will elaborate on it again sometime soon.

Past the Quarter

Birthdays...You either hate them or you love them..

I've never liked birthdays although I do appreciate that some of my friends do make some birthdays memorable for me, like the one last year and at SPRUCE with the NUS Aquathlon people.

In 2 days, it would be my 26th birthday. And yes, I've passed the quarter and I really feel soooo old :(

And yes, none of the life goals had been met.

2015 was turning out pretty fine until the end of the year which was rather bittersweet. A part of me was hoping there could be some form of selective amnesia to forget E totally, yet the memories did seemed one of most memorable ever. People I've told about this did seem pretty disgusted at the total douchebag attitude E had and told me to let it go, but it's so hard. And it's worse when your mind conjures things in the future with him, especially after talking it over. As much as I think I'll burst into tears if I met up with him, it feels there isn't a proper closure to this issue without talking it over. I think the only way to let go would be to find someone else to be loved by and to love. Because only love can overcome all fears, hate and anxieties.

If only I can reverse time..maybe all the way back to selecting a junior college - I really wished I chose ACJC instead of TJC; perhaps I could have fit in better there and then also have better like-minded friends. Perhaps my life would have been totally different now. But there's no such thing as a time machine. 

Back to being 26 and single again...

Can we start afresh?

I wished I never knew you.

I've never felt this way before.

I wished you didn't tell me about your deepest thoughts, and asked about mine.

What went wrong?

I wished we didn't sit together and talk under the stars on that balmy evening.

You never told me and just left me.

I wished you didn't embrace me when you had to leave me each time.

I thought it was likely we could be something.

I wished you didn't tell me pugushipoyo randomly in the midweek.

You set the standards high, even though you told me I raised the bar.

I wished you didn't teach me that having good conversations was so interesting.

I thought maybe God sent you as a blessing, but I'm starting to think it is a painful experience.

I wished you didn't make me realise how important is it to be appreciate knowledge as it is.

As much as I would like to wipe you off my memories, I can't forget your voice.

I wished you didn't play with my emotions.

I'm trying to hate you... and I've never hated anyone before.

I wished you didn't once tell me how much you cared.

Even with all your weaknesses, I know I could never find someone else like you.

I wished you didn't tell me how much you respected me and that I was the prettiest in your sight.

I still can't bear to wipe out the photo we had together.

Much as I wished I never met you, I do wish we could just start afresh.

Waiting - Part of God's Plan?

Debs recommended me this article:
 http://www.jonathanngan.com/thoughts/2016/2/1/why-does-god-make-us-wait

Which was pretty good I must say..

Waiting - something the impatient me truly dread. Two ways to see it, life's too short to wait for something but patience can be a virtue (Love is patient, love is kind...). I can't stand slowness, the gaps in time that I have to fill alone but by taking your time, it allows one to appreciate the smaller things in life that people who rush a lot tend to miss out on. Being the extrovert, I also fear being lonely, having to do things alone tend to have a stigma and it's so much better to share your feelings with someone else - perhaps that's the reason why I blog and write, it's so hard to keep things to yourself.

Throughout this 6.5 weeks, there had been a lot of waiting, some of which I'm still waiting for. Waiting for the doctor's diagnosis and prognosis, waiting for the healing, waiting to be given the green lights to run/swim/bike, waiting for E's texts, waiting for my life to go back to normal - and the usual day-to-day stuff like waiting for the bus, waiting for friends...etc. Well, some pointers after reading and reflecting:

1.Waiting builds your reliance on God.

I guess it's pretty true; I've been crying out to God, praying to Him, talking to Him, so much more these days and to my horror, it had declined since I've gone back to work and training. But still, the need to pray and talk to God still seems so much more important these days. Does that build a better relationship with Him? I do hope so.

2. Trust God - God's delay does not necessarily mean denial

This can only be revealed on hindsight because till now, there are a lot of things that I'm still waiting for and thinking about. I would really need to learn to "enjoy this process" - as the article mention. I do pray that everything goes well in His time.

3. How do we make of it when things may not turn out as we expect?

God would not withhold things from us but things we think are good may not necessarily be good - so once again, on hindsight then we would know what works.

So, yesterday, for the first time in my life, I went to a cafe on my own - Coast & Company at Siglap. I must say it is pretty quiet and it's a place to just sit down and read without people chasing you off. What more, it was a bike-themed cafe! I had planned to read my travel guides but ended up reading this magazine about cycling and travelling called "Far Ride" which kind of allowed me to realise that cycling, photography, travelling and design came all together. Also, a thought of working at a cafe would be pretty interesting, especially if I plan to take no-pay leave ;) Well, for future consideration. That afternoon, I did think quite a lot about E and I guess, understood him a lot better in the aspect of his dreams and cycling. I believe it is a rather unique thought that I doubt many Singaporean guys would have (besides him and Chris) but it is a rather lovely dream, I must say. It had also allowed me to respect pure cyclists a lot more, as they actually do respect their bikes a lot more than triathletes - the workmanship of the bike, more than the parts that make it go fast; as well as the beauty of cycling, rather than just the thrill of competing. Of course, both would come hand-in-hand but it's like appreciating knowledge for the process of gaining it and the beauty of information itself, more than the usage of the knowledge gained.

Perhaps I should do this again.

And yes, time does heals (I hope).

5 Weeks Post-accident Updates

As the heading reads, it has been 5 weeks after I got hit and broke my clavicle. Has things changed?

Yes and no.

Yes in the way E treats me and somewhat gives me the impression that there would be bad news (unfortunately more cold, and friendzoned) and no, we are not meeting still. You might have thought you won't hurt me, but I think you did, A LOT and I can't seem to move on.

Yes in how my condition seems better and I can run (thank God I don't hurt anymore when I move) and no, the bone hasn't rejoined.

Yes in how I'm back at work and people are more used to me and no, I'm still pretty inefficient doing cases.

Yes in how I'm happy to feel slightly closer to God and doing more devotions now and no, I'm still hoping to look for a church that I feel at home in.

Yes in what I learnt about the body mechanics through reading and talking to friends such as how fractures heal, what is a pneumothorax, speech therapy and vocal cords.

Just a tip for those who injured their collarbone (mine was a comminuted fracture, which is a break into many pieces), I definitely feel a surgery would be better but unfortunately wasn't given that option. Also, exercises you can do (only) would be walking, climbing stairs (least movement to shoulder) and stationary cycling.

Well, as much as the doctor gave some good news, there was a double whammy when my ex-crush and good friend told me he's attached. Somehow this hurts more and I'm really not looking forward to this year at all :(

Oh by the way, I saw this blog about broken collarbone, would need it for future reference:
http://www.hanskellner.com/2006/04/24/chads-broken-collar-bone-report/

A month post-accident...

Yes, I'm writing again. Somehow, emotions seem to be the biggest push factor to make me want to write. And somehow, I have not many other avenues to air these emotions, or maybe it isn't the same to air it to people who may seem as clueless as you, or paint an alternative picture which you don't really fancy.

It has been almost a month (minus 3 days) since the accident and I still feel things aren't back, or even nearing normal; even though people do tell me I look perfectly normal. Still can't do much activity, still can't run/swim/bike, still can't work properly without getting tired, still feeling bloated and fat, still feeling frustrated, still feeling left out and lonely. I really do hope I don't get any depression anytime soon :(

Things have been pretty aimless and there's nothing much to look forward to - which I realised is a huge push factor to make me more efficient to do things in life. I don't survive well alone, maybe it's alright for solo trips overseas, but definitely I need people around me.

Not too sure how is the collarbone healing - there's still a gap but it's not as painful, although I do get tired easily. Looking forward to physio next week to at least give me the go-ahead to do something more active. Maybe the doctor should have operated on me :o

I do need a miracle.