On stumbling, getting hurt and brushing the dust off my knees

It has been a month since the last fall. And the wound still feels pretty fresh.

I realised I've been stumbling quite a bit over the past few months and somehow the vulnerability doesn't seem to lessen. I seem to be still making the same errors and getting hurt once again. But I guess I find myself recovering, brushing the dust off my knees and getting back again. It's tiring. And I wish that there's someone (physically - besides God) there for me to help me get back. I believe we all need someone, just to be there.

I just don't understand how people can change partners and complain about them so often while others, who seek acceptance and love, never seem to find any.

Secret Love Song

Came across this song which was covered by the Sam Willows but surprisingly I found the original so much better and emotional.

We keep behind close doors

Every time I see you, I die a little more

Stolen moments that we steal as curtains falls

It'll never be enough

Pretty much sums up the emotions these past few weeks and had also brought back a piece of nostalgia from 2014's trip in London, one of the trips closest to my heart. It was when I met and knew Kenny better (and before he got attached), while he was a lot more unguarded. London was a place where I had a lot of mixed emotions, probably brought about by the weather.

These few weeks had been a emotional roller coaster for me, not sure if work had helped or contributed to it further but it had left me super drained. Who says cabin crew dept is so much better?

And perhaps someone pointed out something so true, perhaps I'm so upset/sore because I've lost the battle to someone that seemed less capable than me. Is it just only the competitiveness in me? That can be quite scary too. Life's unfair though

Tastes changes, so do guys...

It's only the start of April of 2016 and there's so many relationship issues?

Seriously, I need to learn how to actually stop falling for the wrong guys. It seems like over the years, my tastes have been changing and each time, the standards get higher and on hindsight, sometimes I wonder, why did I even liked that guy? I guess university and work does open boundaries - I used to think that the age range shouldn't be too far but I'm getting more liberal with my choices. But by doing so, it allows for more vulnerabilities. I'm not so sure why did my taste changed so drastically this time round but it's getting dangerous; and I'm becoming a little more like Rach, with the exception of a criteria of doing sports a bit more competitively.

He's in all ways eligible (at least that's what I choose to assume) but the caveat is that this guy's married (or that's what his records say but he didn't mention) and the age gap is pretty huge (think Jay Chou and wife). Stability and pretty good-looking are the key points. He claimed to attend church too.

This guy is pretty close to breaking my heart but I'm really gonna need all willpower to avoid him. Really don't know why he chose to be so nice to me but now it seems like he's also pretty chummy with HP. So I'm guessing he might be a player.

SO NO. I'm not sure why God throws all these people into my life to tease my heart but if only He could harden my heart a little, it would help. ALOT.

----------------------------------------ON HINDSIGHT--------------------------------------------------------

And so, I did consult people.. turns out that i got played out again...

I never seem to learn from this - trusting the wrong people, especially when you feel that the person's safe to trust because he claimed to be Christian (ugh..twice happened) and because he's so nice (at least for some period) - one indicated interest, one showed interest..

On dealing with broken hearts, God's Will and perhaps, learning more patience

Yet another long weekend for me which began on Thursday because I had to clear some leave and once again, some unexpected feelings crept up. Oddly, I was disappointed when I thought I was looking forward to Wednesday and Friday, and when I least expect, I was rather pleasantly surprised on a supposed normal me-alone Thursday. There's still quite a packed Saturday and Sunday and I really am trying to learn not to expect anything so I can avoid feeling more disappointed.

Once again, A did tell me he was coming on Wednesday, probably to walk but in the end, he told me he had something on and wasn't able to make it - a little disappointed but at least I got Michael to pace me and 15k was in the bag.

Thursday started off as a day full of appointments but it ended on a pretty good note. Was talking to A in the morning and found out he was on leave too and couldn't say no to lunch (at least I didn't have to hang around with the parents after the lawyer's appointment). Good thing he picked me up at Potong Pasir (although I was surprised he got there so quickly) cos it was terribly humid and I was in desperate need of aircon. To satisfy his craving of prawn mee, I really can't believe he brought me to the Naked Finn at Gillman Barracks! Yes, the prawn mee was rather pricey at $25++ but the seafood there was reputed to be fresh (didn't try the prawns but the fish was really tender). I'm not too huge a fan of hawker/Chinese food but this sort of fusion food did change my preconceptions. Not too bad a choice although the place is rather inaccessible without a car. Thereafter, we went over to Novena and hung around till my speech therapy appointment. Afterwhich, I went for an eyelash touchup and Nike 9k run. I was also mildly surprised I received some lovely matcha chocs from Seoul :)

Friday was (is) Good Friday. Rode with the NUS guys, Sara and Vern and did a 85km West Loop. Feels good to be back on the bike and trying to catch the guys' draft. I must say my bike fitness dropped quite a lot although on flats it was ok but climbing was tough. Hope it gets better soon. Went for Wesley's Good Friday Service - really miss the P&P Service and I regret not going earlier cos there was no seats and we got bumped to the Traditional Service. Well, but at least I made it for a Wesley Service! After service, Debs, myself met up with Naz, Sher and Yew Wee for lunch/catch-up at Haji Lane called "I am" - a halal hipster cafe. Food looked good and pricing was not too bad; just that it was non-airconditioned and the food felt a bit too oily for my liking. Perhaps I still prefer brunch cafes.Well, all went pretty ok until David came and the guys started talking about his girlfriend. It kinda hit me hard; although I was trying to brace myself based on Sher's updates last week on it. I guess, as much as I was happy to see David after some time, learning this was quite damaging to the rest of my day. Speaking of which, I did realise the type of guys I fancied was pretty similar so far, perhaps with the exception of A, that I'll be elaborating later as the thought is unconventional, even as I think about it. It's ok - I just have to harden my heart - AGAIN, and perhaps it won't break; or at least, not as hard.

On the way back, many thoughts ran through my head; hopefully I can actually categorise them well.

1. They said, names have special meanings. Of my 26 years of existence, people often tell me, in Hebrew, Sarah means "princess" and of course, as a kid, it did feel pretty special but now, this thought - why did my parents name me Sarah (or if God was the one that planted it)? Am I stuck to God's plan of making me patient by waiting? After all, in the Bible, Sarah waited 35 (i think) years for a child. This made me feel helpless and somehow I feel troubled by this. God's plan - what is it?

2. The types of guys I dated/fancied changed quite a bit but somehow can be grouped into 2 categories:
-Soccer players
-Cyclists (vs triathletes)

3. The curiosity of A's personal life really bothers me a lot. While I know I shouldn't even be thinking about A AT ALL, I need some distractions from other issues, and this odd relationship between us seem to offer A LOT of reprieve cos it certainly doesn't seem very platonic.

Will elaborate on it again sometime soon.

My 101th post and on one of the better weekends in 2016 (finally..)

Honestly, I was more excited about this (long) weekend than the one which I went to Bangkok for and it did seemed that it was pretty much packed with activities that time really flies.

After a pretty good RD run, which I did feel a little disappointed that A didn't turn up cos he was heading to Seoul, I headed home for some much needed sleep. The long weekend started for me!

Began Thursday with going for my appointments and did my dynamic bike fit at Loue with Shuwie for $450, my highest investment yet.Took about 4h but it was pretty good, I must say...Started Friday with an easy ride and swim and another day of appointments. Friday night, Debs and I went for CLEO Bachelors' Party at ZOUK, which I was a little more excited for. Besides the pretty cool goody bag, I was there to support Malcom, whom I met at another fringe event. This year's party was a little disappointing though cos they were playing so many games and there wasn't much introduction on the bachelors, such that there wasn't much of an impression made on the audience. The games were cute though - thank goodness Malcom played some biting on the pocky stick game, which wasn't too embarrassing or tough on him. It'd be cool to stay for some clubbing which I haven't done in ages but I had to run a race the next day..Although we didn't have much time to talk, it was nice to see him.

To cut the long story short, I was first for Women Open (21:08) for the CEO run but somehow the impact didn't seem to be there. Glad that my legs felt ok after cycling down so it was more of a brick session. Thereafter, we went down to Killney's Real Food to celebrate Coach David's birthday. It was a nice and cosy gathering and the food was not bad. It has been quite a while since I've talked to the rest of the team and it felt nice to talk to Jon, Pete, Barbs and the rest..Went to Mandarin Gallery in search of coffee and a cafe to read because it was hard to find an empty one! Guess I'd have to do more research before heading out. Coincidentally, I bumped into Philip, whom I've never met since uni! Well, he was supposed to kill some time by reading but he decided to ask me for coffee and we ended up at Jones the Grocer. Despite that, there was so much to talk about and there was simply no need to break the ice. In that 2h I think I learnt so much more about him than in the time he was in cross coutnry! From his job, to wing chun, to what was happening, to Chicago, I do enjoy such impromptu meet-ups and it'd be nice if this could happen more often - just randomly meeting people and having meaningful conversations with them; I do really really miss that, especially with E.

Speaking of E, yes, I met him on the ride today. Was expecting it but didn't really know quite how to react to the situation. He made the first move (as usual) when he saw me at Lower Pierce although I was riding behind him most of the time. Had really mixed feelings but it did seem like to him, nothing much happened :( My first official ride on the bike went pretty well and the route was...interesting. We rode into Bukit Brown first and boy, having no headlight sucks :/  Then the route led us to Mt Pleasant, Lower and Upper Pierce. It was fun to get to know the other RCC boys and other ladies on the ride. If only this was a Saturday, then I wouldn't have to rush for church..

Oh, was happy for A cos he texted me on his marathon time=3:14! Although it wasn't a qualified time, it was pretty good. Hope he isn't too disappointed though and he'll be back tomorrow.

After church, met Sher for tea and time passed so fast! It was great catching up with her :)

Overall, I guess I couldn't ask more for this weekend. Now, back to how to deal with the E issue..

On racing, disappointments and perhaps, getting stronger

I ran my first race of 2016 today - Venus Run, a 5km race - with a nett timing of 23:10.

Wasn't the best shot ever and was feeling pretty much hesitant about running because I felt unprepared and I successfully managed to fall ill the night before (probably due to the heat). Moreover, word from the organisers mentioned that they will be combining all teams of 4 into one category due to the lack of numbers and I was pretty afraid of competing with F1 or Shufflers. We didn't send in a strong team this year because Rachel was out and I was down but I was glad for Debs, Kristal and Michelle, who were positive and kept my spirits up.

Been talking to A more often nowadays and he mentioned that he'll be down to support but little did I expect him to go down to run with me! Really thankful for him helping me keep pace though I was lagging behind a bit. Sounds wrong but recently, I've been so thankful for him as a distraction to all my worries and issues. Honestly, it sounds even more wrong when A mentioned he attended church too :O So yes, we won 3rd for team category (yays!), at least still top 3 even though I was a little disappointment we dropped from 1st placing last year. But yea, I'm thankful.

After that, Debs and I went to watch the OCBC road cycling at Seletar. She went to support Dane and I was there to support David, Dwayne and Shuwie. Was a bit worried that I'll bump into E but thankfully no. Well, the race was exciting with crashes and sprint-offs but was quite disappointed that David didn't manage to hang onto the pack at the last 1.5 loops. Road racing seems scary though. I thought I saw E with the rest of the guys but it turned out he was likely in the sportive category and that he crashed out on the 3rd lap.

Momentarily I felt sorry for him but I guess after reading his post, maybe not so after all. Well, his girl went down to support him so perhaps, that was all that he needed...I really still can't let go of the whole issue at all..

Am I disappointed with what happened today? Yes..Am i perhaps getting stronger? Maybe.

Of relationships that never go your way...

I thought I won't be catching any movies onboard my SIN-BKK-SIN trip but in the end "The Third Way of Love 제3의 사랑 " starring Liu Yi Fei and (the super charismatic) Song Seung Heon caught my attention. Although I didn't manage to finish the movie, I'll be sure to try to complete it, as much as there are warnings that the ending would be really sad. It does seem like this movie is shot by some acclaimed director, John H. Lee.

Somehow, I do tend to relate dramas, especially when it involves romance and relationships and that's why I do like watching them when I hardly even watch movies. What's more interesting is that these two are a couple in real life, despite their 11-year age difference, Liu Yifei is 28 while Song Seung Heon is 39 - which brings me to the next topic to muse.

How would it feels like to date someone 10 years plus older than you? Or even to have some feelings? This excludes celebrity crushes on older guys like Song Seung Heon, Gong Yoo, Lee Byung Hun (which I rarely favour but these are the hotter ones).

I've never dwelled or thought about this topic before because most of the time, I'm meeting people around my age, with 2-4 years age gaps and I don't really find older guys too charming. But recently, I surprised myself by having such a thought. Perhaps after having met so many guys and having quite a few bad experiences, it does indeed fulfill some of the criteria which I do (and rather most women in general) look for in a guy, I believe. Charisma, stability, confidence, goal-oriented, well-connected, maturity, sensitivity - qualities that only time and experience would mould (then again, there are exceptions). However, there are qualities they would lack as they lose their boyishness, recklessness and perhaps fun-loving nature but this shouldn't be generalised. Over the past year, I've met guys who are younger but have the maturity of an older gentleman, and older guys who still retain their boyishness.

Perhaps I'm rather tired of the uncertainties of life, as fun they might be, and am feeling rather old, but having someone mature who is certain and confidence of his direction does give me a sense of stability in this evolving world. Perhaps I like consistency in my life - it makes things a lot easier in this complicated world. Perhaps that was what had drawn me to E in the first place, even though looks, height and abilities do play a part.

In the process of recovering and moving on, I've plunged headfirst into unchartered territories, which can be rather scary and comforting at the same time. I'm able to pinpoint qualities that I prioritise but it's scary that it seems like all these qualities are derived from the wrong person. I guess maybe it's too early to pen these thoughts down, since I'm still thinking hard about it but I hope nothing really bad happens when I touch the forbidden fruit.

Really like this song :)

 

Past the Quarter

Birthdays...You either hate them or you love them..

I've never liked birthdays although I do appreciate that some of my friends do make some birthdays memorable for me, like the one last year and at SPRUCE with the NUS Aquathlon people.

In 2 days, it would be my 26th birthday. And yes, I've passed the quarter and I really feel soooo old :(

And yes, none of the life goals had been met.

2015 was turning out pretty fine until the end of the year which was rather bittersweet. A part of me was hoping there could be some form of selective amnesia to forget E totally, yet the memories did seemed one of most memorable ever. People I've told about this did seem pretty disgusted at the total douchebag attitude E had and told me to let it go, but it's so hard. And it's worse when your mind conjures things in the future with him, especially after talking it over. As much as I think I'll burst into tears if I met up with him, it feels there isn't a proper closure to this issue without talking it over. I think the only way to let go would be to find someone else to be loved by and to love. Because only love can overcome all fears, hate and anxieties.

If only I can reverse time..maybe all the way back to selecting a junior college - I really wished I chose ACJC instead of TJC; perhaps I could have fit in better there and then also have better like-minded friends. Perhaps my life would have been totally different now. But there's no such thing as a time machine. 

Back to being 26 and single again...

Can we start afresh?

I wished I never knew you.

I've never felt this way before.

I wished you didn't tell me about your deepest thoughts, and asked about mine.

What went wrong?

I wished we didn't sit together and talk under the stars on that balmy evening.

You never told me and just left me.

I wished you didn't embrace me when you had to leave me each time.

I thought it was likely we could be something.

I wished you didn't tell me pugushipoyo randomly in the midweek.

You set the standards high, even though you told me I raised the bar.

I wished you didn't teach me that having good conversations was so interesting.

I thought maybe God sent you as a blessing, but I'm starting to think it is a painful experience.

I wished you didn't make me realise how important is it to be appreciate knowledge as it is.

As much as I would like to wipe you off my memories, I can't forget your voice.

I wished you didn't play with my emotions.

I'm trying to hate you... and I've never hated anyone before.

I wished you didn't once tell me how much you cared.

Even with all your weaknesses, I know I could never find someone else like you.

I wished you didn't tell me how much you respected me and that I was the prettiest in your sight.

I still can't bear to wipe out the photo we had together.

Much as I wished I never met you, I do wish we could just start afresh.

Relationships: Coincidence or God's Plan?

This year, as I included in my previous blog post, was an emotional roller coaster for me, more so than any other years. I'm not sure if it's good for my sanity but things do knock on your door when you least expect it. And in a whift, it might just disappear..

I'm pissed with myself, as I am writing this. For being impatient, for being too inquisitive for my own good. I shouldn't have opened my big mouth and said all the things I shouldn't have. But I think it might be too late now :(

A couple of weeks back, I met this guy who was too-good-to-be-true. I can still pinch myself now and ask, is this only a dream? If so, I hope I will never wake up of it. But now, I may have shattered that beautiful memory. Really praying hard to God to restore it.

I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling uncertain about my future. While I know, and have faith that God uses vulnerability and uncertainty in His Will to do things, I still can't help but feel lost, that I'm not in control of things. 

We met on an unplanned bike ride. In fact, I went for that ride for another reason, which I shall not really mentioned. This guy was really sweet (and definitely cute) as he chatted and pulled me along parts where I got dropped. I thought he was pretty special, unlike most Singaporean guys, he was direct. And then, my itchy fingers added him on FB. I thought it was much more than a coincidence - it was God's plan.

We started talking, and he asked me out. I found out he was an excellent conversationist, someone who can talk about anything under the sun. His ideas challenged me to think harder, his actions challenged me to change myself. I've never met someone who could actually influence me like this. Because of him, I got to sit down at random areas, to just talk, admire the scenery, and watch people go by. Something I would never do, on my own free time because time is too precious. But this guy actually stopped the world for me,

Three dates had passed so far. I made the fatal mistake of asking him about his commitment level even though I know, both of us did, that things were progressing a bit too fast. But this was something I didn't want to let go because I know I will regret. But well, either way would have backfired. And I'm just sitting here, feeling like a mess.

Lord, please give me strong faith.

Childhood Memories brought to life again with Disney

I was surfing youtube when I came across this Disney songs medley cover by Alex G and Peter Hollens. I did not know who are they initially but I thought that it looked interesting and whoa, I was surprised at the quality of the video and song! It was amazing how they combined Circle of Life (Lion King), A Whole New World (Aladdin), Colours of the Wind (Pocahontas), Under the Sea (The Little Mermaid), Beauty and the Beast and dressed in costumes. :) Brought back memories of how I loved Disney movies, songs and stories when I was growing up and on hindsight, it had really impacted me deeply because even as I'm listening to this medley now, it brings goosebumps.

My favourite Disney princess used to be Pocahontas & Mulan, though they were not exactly princesses, I felt they exude confidence and a wild streak which I saw in myself! Despite the stories always brought in a Prince Charming, which always made the story end 'happily ever after', I could feel a connectivity with the characters. In fact, I once dressed up as Pocahontas for some school dress-up competition! hahas..

A profile of Disney princesses on Thought Catalog :)

This was one funny article about Disney Prince Charmings.

I do hope they would do another set of medley of Disney songs! :D

After listening to that song, I thought of trying to listen to Disney songs sung in other language, just for fun and curiosity and this is what I managed to find:

Reflections (Mulan) sang by Coco Lee in Mandarin, Coco Lee is actually one of my favourite Chinese singers. Originally sung by Lea Salonga/Christina Aguilera. Below shows the Korean version by Lee So-jeong & there's another one officially sung by Lena Park.

Next up - Colours of the Wind, originally sung by Vanessa Williams but here in Chinese by Coco Lee, Cantonese by Amanda Li and Korean by 신동희 (Shin Dong-hui). I thought it was interesting how the Chinese version changed the flute in the introduction to the dizi (Chinese flute), added a nice touch to it.

A whole new world originally by Peabo Bryson & Regina Belle. Here in Korean, Nam Gyeong-ju & Lee Jeong-hwa sings the song. However, this time I feel that the english one is still the best.

Do you find any contrasts to the songs of different languages?
Pretty cool stuff there, I did enjoy the songs :) Goes to show that Disney movies are pretty universal!

A traveller's desire

It's been a while since I've posted because I've been rather busy (and bored of) looking for jobs. I'm no longer a student since I've graduated, my student transport concession had expired, I'm penniless (figuratively), without an income. Losing hope but still hopeful. Feeling kind of lost as well, since I'm just not doing much constructive work (and that gives me income) and the only thing that makes me feel alive now is going for trainings. Been dreaming about travelling once again, at least I get to experience something new and lock it into my memories, just that I do not have enough money to do so but there's no harm imagining right? ;) Here's a list of TO-GO places:

1. South Korea (Seoul, Jeju-do, Busan, Yeosu, Suncheon - famous for nature, Daegu & Gyeongju - historical sites, Suwon - Korean Folk Village)

• KTO has so many itineraries to offer! From romantic walking trips in Seoul, cultural experiences in Seoul , cheap shopping & food in Seoul, Nami Island, active cycling along Hangang, architectural buildings , temples/churches, hiking trails, the ever-famous Gangnam
• Seoul: Gyeongbok Palace, Bukchon Village to look at hanoks, Changdeok Palace, Dongdaemun, Myeongdong, Cheonggyecheon Stream (TaecGui couple episode 12), Seoul Grand Park Zoo, Dream Forest (north), Everland in Yongin (TaecGui couple episode 13), Chungang University (My Girlfriend is a Gumiho, Playful Kiss shooting location), Namhasanseong, Korea Petit France, Samcheonggak, MBC Yongin Dramia (Nambu Bus Terminal-->Baegam Bus Terminal-->Mini bus 105/Taxi
• To watch Kpop shows

2. Tibet
3. China - Jiuzhaigou (in winter/autumn)

• Been there in summer before but visiting in winter or autumn is likely to be very different because of the temperate forest there!

4. Mongolia - Ulan Baator
5. New Zealand - likely for the natural surroundings
6. Australia (Melbourne, Sydney, Tasmania)

Summary of my 4 years of Sociology education

Sociology is the study of differences in society, to understand who they are, why they are different & how to improve the situation!

The main takeaway I have from sutdying in NUS for 4 years - learnt a lot and really enjoyed it. When people ask what am I studying & what is Sociology, no longer I will tell them it is "all about Society" which is rather vague I realised. 

Sociology has indeed opened my eyes to the inequality, as well as cultures, around the whole, things I would never learn nor take interest of if I'm studying Business, Science, Medicine...etc. And I'm glad I did, despite my lousy grades.

Stuff that I've did: Sociology of Food, Culture & Anthropology, Health, Social Movements, Urban Cities, Religion & Secularity, Sports, China, Visual, Gender, Ageing, Citizenship, Interpretive, State & Society, Rituals, Popular Culture, Methodology, Sexuality, Tourism & Leisure

From the basics of the literature on Marx, Durkheim and Weber, which were the founding fathers of Sociology (and yes, pretty boring), I delved into more current and interesting topics like the sociology of death, cultural inquiry, tourism... 

On top of that I minored in China Studies, one topic dear to me :)

The Perfect Boyfriend...

Nothing ever stays the same - your looks, your thoughts, your feelings.

The image of the perfect boyfriend (maybe now not perfect anymore) changes for me since I discovered the presence of the other gender.

The only good-looker in primary school was probably a variation of the Ken doll or some pop idol - tall, muscular, dark and handsome (then again, at that time, you don't really notice guys)

The bad boy has always been attractive to me since then - cocky grin, the piercings and tattoos, the heck-i-don't-give-a-damn attittude, soccer star and who often also has a soft and sweet spot for girls (esp their mums)

The star athlete was also my choice after I started picking up sports and wanted my ideal partner to shine  - I grew up watching volleyball matches and soccer matches for a certain particular reason, I picked up soccer and liked Jay Chou because of a certain someone too! Fit, tall, tanned, sporty was totally my kind. One whom you can go about supporting his matches/races & feeling proud that you have such a guy.

Was really envious when friends my age were starting to get attached in secondary school onwards and still, I kept reassuring myself, you'll find someone soon, you're still young - echoing the same sentiments as my mum. Well, I was quite wrong, for the record.

In university, you get surrounded by eligible (& non-eligible) bachelors, each better looking than the previous and when you learn about class, most of them are of equal or higher social status than yourself. And still you see everyone getting attached, all except yourself :( Now this is sounding more tragic..You see this guy, running on the track, no doubt good-looking, and he becomes your EC for 4years and it makes you really depressed because in these years, he was in 3 relationships - but none with you.

Life is not just about finding someone, you tell yourself, and so you train hard, join more activities (and yes, hang around with more guys) to occupy yourself. You went out with a number of guys but you were probably friend-zoned. Still, no luck and you suffer a number of heartaches here and there but you don't learn. After all, it was sweet memories. Slowly, your expectations lower - by a huge drop - and you start liking guys whom are just nice to you. And this makes things worse because they are nice to everyone, not only you. 

You need an affirmation, an indication that you are a perfectly normal girl just praying to God that things would turn out right. Finally, you managed to get a guy smitten over you. It's a refreshing change from the opposite, where you just pin and hope for the best. This time you get roses, car rides, gifts, hugs and most importantly, an affirmation that there is someone in the world who cares deeply about you and is probably willing to sacrifise for you. He's not the perfect boyfriend - none of the above, not even close - and you know that deep down but you just need to hang on to someone for positive affirmation.

Still you're unsure and not all satisfied. Why? Because you realised that there's someone else occupying your thoughts - your nice and friendly neighbour, one who has the same interests as you, one who enjoys competing in races as you & that you can spend time supporting/watching him race, one who understands your needs, one you feel comfortable sharing your deepest wishes with, one whom you can just sit and do nothing with and still feel happy. He's not the perfect boyfriend but somehow he feels like it. Unfortunately, he hasn't made things clear too - so you're left alone and lost, probably just waiting for a reply. All you can do is wait. And you're willing to give up everything for that.

I'm no longer waiting for the perfect boyfriend; because that only happens to pretty, rich and smart girls - I'm just waiting for you to ask. <3

If you were me, what would you do? 

Grown-up Charm - 2PM my ideal type of guy 

Letting go...

And so, I blurted it out to him...

As much as I didn't want to for fear of being back to square one, being alone doing stuff, being in a world where I felt wasn't fair because there is so much love but you just have none of it.

After talking to a number of people, I decided still, to be fair, I had to let go. It was hard, struggled with the decision for 3 weeks & counting, tears & nights thinking about it...

He said he saw it coming, it was his fault, doing all the weird and wrong things that pissed me off. But no, it was mine, my heart was divided, so much so that I liked him but wasn't willing to sacrifise anything - that wasn't love. I think he was nice, in fact, too nice, and I could tell that he loved me so. All the endless gifts, notes and little stuff he did..

Just that I felt he wasn't my soulmate.

I guess love does work in funny ways and I really don't know what God is planning in my life, one soul who really can't stand being alone and always in need to feel that she matters in the eyes of someone. I really hope God won't let me live in regret :(

These 4 months had been fun. But the sad fact is, all good things must come to an end.

I only pray that God will do something.

What's In A Name

It's Easter Sunday once again; I think, 2 years since the last Easter when I've reconfirmed my faith.

With all the turbulence in my thoughts and heavy workload these days, I went to church really feeling quite troubled and I thought that the message, at least some parts of it really touched me.

Ps David talked about Mary Magdelene and Jesus. Ok the most impressionable takeaway I got was that to Mary, he felt that Easter's sweetest sound was Jesus calling "Mary", something she recognised, when she did not even recognise Jesus when he asked her "Why are you crying?"

This made me think about my (or our) responses when people call us by our name.

You know what, the amazing thing is that I am sure that I can recognise anyone by their voice calling out my name! I did an exercise and tried to picture my name being called out and in my mind, I could really imagine their voices. Try that out & you'll know what I mean :) No wonder I prefer people calling my name

I wonder how would it sound for God to call me...

Confused heart.

Shouldn't be blogging now and worst, these sort of feelings but somehow, I need an outlet too..
Spoken to some people but I still don't get an answer I'm happy with.

It's almost 3 months since my first relationship started; there were ups & downs, but I guess the honeymoon period is really over - I'm starting to feel crappy..

And also unsure about this whole thing because I don't seem to be happy. In fact, I'm more troubled now. It's ok if you're far from my ideal guy (and it does changes as I grow older) but somehow, the more you try, the more you're inching away from being one - and I can clearly see that.

The problem is, I don't wanna let go. I know it is not right to lead him on but I'm hoping things would change and maybe I will still grow to like him more. He's sweet and all but he seems to immature for me & I really feel like a psychologist. Sighs.. Well, the real problem lies where my heart is occupied with someone else.

He's totally not my ideal guy but he seems to be now.

1. Strong Christian
2. Does trains with me
3. Funny yet mature
4. Not that good-looking but not bad either
5. Communicate well
6. Stays near me
7. I just simply like spending time with him - wishing train rides were longer & all

OH DEAR. :(

Week 3 and counting...

It's really scary how fast time is passing, it's already week 3 of my final semester in NUS. I went for the career fair today with an open mind, hoping to source for potential jobs..The problem is the career fair seems to give me an impression that the job market is ready and open to hire but in reality, it's not
:( gosh..i wonder how many people I have to compete with in order to land myself into a job that is not too boring with average pay and flexible hours.

I hope I'll be able to cope with this semester, honestly. I used to think that it'd be fun having a bf and go on dates but I realised a relationship really really requires a lot of time and commitment. The worst feeling is that I can't commit time because of trying to cope with studies and trainings but thankfully, my awesome understanding bf is SO GREAT! Bringing me soyabean milk when I'm studying and offering to buy me coffee/fruits even when I have nothing to offer, much less time, who could ask for more? Ok, I really feel damn bad :(

Yesterday was really a slackkk day..Had a manicure at Strip! at Dempsey with Esther..The last of my $100 voucher.. Then at night, went to Holland Village area to eat seafood pizza at some wine-pizza restaurant & icecream at The Daily Scoop (double scoop $5.60; average quality with mostly icecream than sorbet) & thereafter headed to West Coast Park for some star/ship-gazing.. simple but :)

 Esther : Her first manicure!

The Daily Scoop

Lastly, I'm really nervous for IVP on Saturday. My first ever track race..Pray I'll do well!

Oh yes..Revamping of this blog..I have to:

1. Include posts on products
2. Include interesting tranings/sports experiences
3. Include reviews of books/songs...

Travelling Solo..

I know its the exams period but now I'm back into the Taiwan pop scene because I fell in love with Rainie & Xiaozhu's newest collabo 再一次心跳; a promo video, if I'm not wrong for Tasmania (heart of the world - 世界的心脏）Great way to attract the Asian market actually and playing on the storyline to get people there. Ok I admit I fell in love with the actors/storyline more than the place but anyways, it's a good ploy :)

Travelling solo to an exotic place, meeting some mysterious stranger, falling in love...Sounds too common & clique but perhaps this idea has captivated me in such a way that perhaps thats why I love to travel. Travelling alone might be kind of lonely at times because there's no one to share that perfect breathtaking moment you find so hard to put in words to describe but it does allow you to selfishly take in all that beautiful experiences of being in a foreign country on your own and capture every sight, sound and vibe. Sounds really ironic but thats the beauty of travelling solo.

As for meeting that mysterious stranger that just grabs your attention (and your heart, too), did in a way experienced it once before, but I guess being together does not seem very possible. Like a short trip, thats how long it will last and its probably because of the travel as a liminal period (sociological perspective) where it kind of authorises people to go beyond their boundaries. Well, as an idealist, I do still hold on to the view that it might just happen..

Fallling in love... That memory was bittersweet but painful as well. Perhaps I hated myself for not cherishing that moment more and holding tight to it; if I could turn back time, I would. Perhaps I didn't make that big an impression, that's why the next morning, after a week, things changed..Sighs

So where do I go from now? Where should I go?

And, should one travel to seek love or seek love in travelling for its own sake? Its hard to separate the two...

MIND OVER BODY..NOT THAT EASY.

I'm writing once again.

Sorry that the posts seem all really depressing but this is really a period in which I see myself struggling with myself.

The only enemy is YOURSELF. Sounds cliche but very much true. This is a really painful and weary battle that I know I really can't fight alone because I have NO IDEA how to deal with myself.

Sighs.

My stupid competitive nature stands in contrast with the give-up cowardly attitude within myself & these two controversial sides had came into conflict so many times, especially this semester. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.. :(

On one hand, I am really pissed with myself for losing out to so many people in today's beep test & the past few races I've been doing. On the other hand, in the midst of it, I seem to hold this defeatist attitude that just say "give up, you won't be able to catch up very much"


A solution please! D: