It has been a month since the last fall. And the wound still feels pretty fresh.
I realised I've been stumbling quite a bit over the past few months and somehow the vulnerability doesn't seem to lessen. I seem to be still making the same errors and getting hurt once again. But I guess I find myself recovering, brushing the dust off my knees and getting back again. It's tiring. And I wish that there's someone (physically - besides God) there for me to help me get back. I believe we all need someone, just to be there.
I just don't understand how people can change partners and complain about them so often while others, who seek acceptance and love, never seem to find any.
Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts
Thursday, 2 June 2016
Friday, 25 March 2016
On dealing with broken hearts, God's Will and perhaps, learning more patience
Yet another long weekend for me which began on Thursday because I had to clear some leave and once again, some unexpected feelings crept up. Oddly, I was disappointed when I thought I was looking forward to Wednesday and Friday, and when I least expect, I was rather pleasantly surprised on a supposed normal me-alone Thursday. There's still quite a packed Saturday and Sunday and I really am trying to learn not to expect anything so I can avoid feeling more disappointed.
Once again, A did tell me he was coming on Wednesday, probably to walk but in the end, he told me he had something on and wasn't able to make it - a little disappointed but at least I got Michael to pace me and 15k was in the bag.
Thursday started off as a day full of appointments but it ended on a pretty good note. Was talking to A in the morning and found out he was on leave too and couldn't say no to lunch (at least I didn't have to hang around with the parents after the lawyer's appointment). Good thing he picked me up at Potong Pasir (although I was surprised he got there so quickly) cos it was terribly humid and I was in desperate need of aircon. To satisfy his craving of prawn mee, I really can't believe he brought me to the Naked Finn at Gillman Barracks! Yes, the prawn mee was rather pricey at $25++ but the seafood there was reputed to be fresh (didn't try the prawns but the fish was really tender). I'm not too huge a fan of hawker/Chinese food but this sort of fusion food did change my preconceptions. Not too bad a choice although the place is rather inaccessible without a car. Thereafter, we went over to Novena and hung around till my speech therapy appointment. Afterwhich, I went for an eyelash touchup and Nike 9k run. I was also mildly surprised I received some lovely matcha chocs from Seoul :)
Friday was (is) Good Friday. Rode with the NUS guys, Sara and Vern and did a 85km West Loop. Feels good to be back on the bike and trying to catch the guys' draft. I must say my bike fitness dropped quite a lot although on flats it was ok but climbing was tough. Hope it gets better soon. Went for Wesley's Good Friday Service - really miss the P&P Service and I regret not going earlier cos there was no seats and we got bumped to the Traditional Service. Well, but at least I made it for a Wesley Service! After service, Debs, myself met up with Naz, Sher and Yew Wee for lunch/catch-up at Haji Lane called "I am" - a halal hipster cafe. Food looked good and pricing was not too bad; just that it was non-airconditioned and the food felt a bit too oily for my liking. Perhaps I still prefer brunch cafes.Well, all went pretty ok until David came and the guys started talking about his girlfriend. It kinda hit me hard; although I was trying to brace myself based on Sher's updates last week on it. I guess, as much as I was happy to see David after some time, learning this was quite damaging to the rest of my day. Speaking of which, I did realise the type of guys I fancied was pretty similar so far, perhaps with the exception of A, that I'll be elaborating later as the thought is unconventional, even as I think about it. It's ok - I just have to harden my heart - AGAIN, and perhaps it won't break; or at least, not as hard.
On the way back, many thoughts ran through my head; hopefully I can actually categorise them well.
1. They said, names have special meanings. Of my 26 years of existence, people often tell me, in Hebrew, Sarah means "princess" and of course, as a kid, it did feel pretty special but now, this thought - why did my parents name me Sarah (or if God was the one that planted it)? Am I stuck to God's plan of making me patient by waiting? After all, in the Bible, Sarah waited 35 (i think) years for a child. This made me feel helpless and somehow I feel troubled by this. God's plan - what is it?
2. The types of guys I dated/fancied changed quite a bit but somehow can be grouped into 2 categories:
-Soccer players
-Cyclists (vs triathletes)
3. The curiosity of A's personal life really bothers me a lot. While I know I shouldn't even be thinking about A AT ALL, I need some distractions from other issues, and this odd relationship between us seem to offer A LOT of reprieve cos it certainly doesn't seem very platonic.
Will elaborate on it again sometime soon.
Once again, A did tell me he was coming on Wednesday, probably to walk but in the end, he told me he had something on and wasn't able to make it - a little disappointed but at least I got Michael to pace me and 15k was in the bag.
Thursday started off as a day full of appointments but it ended on a pretty good note. Was talking to A in the morning and found out he was on leave too and couldn't say no to lunch (at least I didn't have to hang around with the parents after the lawyer's appointment). Good thing he picked me up at Potong Pasir (although I was surprised he got there so quickly) cos it was terribly humid and I was in desperate need of aircon. To satisfy his craving of prawn mee, I really can't believe he brought me to the Naked Finn at Gillman Barracks! Yes, the prawn mee was rather pricey at $25++ but the seafood there was reputed to be fresh (didn't try the prawns but the fish was really tender). I'm not too huge a fan of hawker/Chinese food but this sort of fusion food did change my preconceptions. Not too bad a choice although the place is rather inaccessible without a car. Thereafter, we went over to Novena and hung around till my speech therapy appointment. Afterwhich, I went for an eyelash touchup and Nike 9k run. I was also mildly surprised I received some lovely matcha chocs from Seoul :)
Friday was (is) Good Friday. Rode with the NUS guys, Sara and Vern and did a 85km West Loop. Feels good to be back on the bike and trying to catch the guys' draft. I must say my bike fitness dropped quite a lot although on flats it was ok but climbing was tough. Hope it gets better soon. Went for Wesley's Good Friday Service - really miss the P&P Service and I regret not going earlier cos there was no seats and we got bumped to the Traditional Service. Well, but at least I made it for a Wesley Service! After service, Debs, myself met up with Naz, Sher and Yew Wee for lunch/catch-up at Haji Lane called "I am" - a halal hipster cafe. Food looked good and pricing was not too bad; just that it was non-airconditioned and the food felt a bit too oily for my liking. Perhaps I still prefer brunch cafes.Well, all went pretty ok until David came and the guys started talking about his girlfriend. It kinda hit me hard; although I was trying to brace myself based on Sher's updates last week on it. I guess, as much as I was happy to see David after some time, learning this was quite damaging to the rest of my day. Speaking of which, I did realise the type of guys I fancied was pretty similar so far, perhaps with the exception of A, that I'll be elaborating later as the thought is unconventional, even as I think about it. It's ok - I just have to harden my heart - AGAIN, and perhaps it won't break; or at least, not as hard.
On the way back, many thoughts ran through my head; hopefully I can actually categorise them well.
1. They said, names have special meanings. Of my 26 years of existence, people often tell me, in Hebrew, Sarah means "princess" and of course, as a kid, it did feel pretty special but now, this thought - why did my parents name me Sarah (or if God was the one that planted it)? Am I stuck to God's plan of making me patient by waiting? After all, in the Bible, Sarah waited 35 (i think) years for a child. This made me feel helpless and somehow I feel troubled by this. God's plan - what is it?
2. The types of guys I dated/fancied changed quite a bit but somehow can be grouped into 2 categories:
-Soccer players
-Cyclists (vs triathletes)
3. The curiosity of A's personal life really bothers me a lot. While I know I shouldn't even be thinking about A AT ALL, I need some distractions from other issues, and this odd relationship between us seem to offer A LOT of reprieve cos it certainly doesn't seem very platonic.
Will elaborate on it again sometime soon.
Saturday, 20 February 2016
Can we start afresh?
I wished I never knew you.
I've never felt this way before.
I wished you didn't tell me about your deepest thoughts, and asked about mine.
What went wrong?
I wished we didn't sit together and talk under the stars on that balmy evening.
You never told me and just left me.
I wished you didn't embrace me when you had to leave me each time.
I thought it was likely we could be something.
I wished you didn't tell me pugushipoyo randomly in the midweek.
You set the standards high, even though you told me I raised the bar.
I wished you didn't teach me that having good conversations was so interesting.
I thought maybe God sent you as a blessing, but I'm starting to think it is a painful experience.
I wished you didn't make me realise how important is it to be appreciate knowledge as it is.
As much as I would like to wipe you off my memories, I can't forget your voice.
I wished you didn't play with my emotions.
I'm trying to hate you... and I've never hated anyone before.
I wished you didn't once tell me how much you cared.
Even with all your weaknesses, I know I could never find someone else like you.
I wished you didn't tell me how much you respected me and that I was the prettiest in your sight.
I still can't bear to wipe out the photo we had together.
Much as I wished I never met you, I do wish we could just start afresh.
I've never felt this way before.
I wished you didn't tell me about your deepest thoughts, and asked about mine.
What went wrong?
I wished we didn't sit together and talk under the stars on that balmy evening.
You never told me and just left me.
I wished you didn't embrace me when you had to leave me each time.
I thought it was likely we could be something.
I wished you didn't tell me pugushipoyo randomly in the midweek.
You set the standards high, even though you told me I raised the bar.
I wished you didn't teach me that having good conversations was so interesting.
I thought maybe God sent you as a blessing, but I'm starting to think it is a painful experience.
I wished you didn't make me realise how important is it to be appreciate knowledge as it is.
As much as I would like to wipe you off my memories, I can't forget your voice.
I wished you didn't play with my emotions.
I'm trying to hate you... and I've never hated anyone before.
I wished you didn't once tell me how much you cared.
Even with all your weaknesses, I know I could never find someone else like you.
I wished you didn't tell me how much you respected me and that I was the prettiest in your sight.
I still can't bear to wipe out the photo we had together.
Much as I wished I never met you, I do wish we could just start afresh.
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