On racing, disappointments and perhaps, getting stronger

I ran my first race of 2016 today - Venus Run, a 5km race - with a nett timing of 23:10.

Wasn't the best shot ever and was feeling pretty much hesitant about running because I felt unprepared and I successfully managed to fall ill the night before (probably due to the heat). Moreover, word from the organisers mentioned that they will be combining all teams of 4 into one category due to the lack of numbers and I was pretty afraid of competing with F1 or Shufflers. We didn't send in a strong team this year because Rachel was out and I was down but I was glad for Debs, Kristal and Michelle, who were positive and kept my spirits up.

Been talking to A more often nowadays and he mentioned that he'll be down to support but little did I expect him to go down to run with me! Really thankful for him helping me keep pace though I was lagging behind a bit. Sounds wrong but recently, I've been so thankful for him as a distraction to all my worries and issues. Honestly, it sounds even more wrong when A mentioned he attended church too :O So yes, we won 3rd for team category (yays!), at least still top 3 even though I was a little disappointment we dropped from 1st placing last year. But yea, I'm thankful.

After that, Debs and I went to watch the OCBC road cycling at Seletar. She went to support Dane and I was there to support David, Dwayne and Shuwie. Was a bit worried that I'll bump into E but thankfully no. Well, the race was exciting with crashes and sprint-offs but was quite disappointed that David didn't manage to hang onto the pack at the last 1.5 loops. Road racing seems scary though. I thought I saw E with the rest of the guys but it turned out he was likely in the sportive category and that he crashed out on the 3rd lap.

Momentarily I felt sorry for him but I guess after reading his post, maybe not so after all. Well, his girl went down to support him so perhaps, that was all that he needed...I really still can't let go of the whole issue at all..

Am I disappointed with what happened today? Yes..Am i perhaps getting stronger? Maybe.

Of relationships that never go your way...

I thought I won't be catching any movies onboard my SIN-BKK-SIN trip but in the end "The Third Way of Love 제3의 사랑 " starring Liu Yi Fei and (the super charismatic) Song Seung Heon caught my attention. Although I didn't manage to finish the movie, I'll be sure to try to complete it, as much as there are warnings that the ending would be really sad. It does seem like this movie is shot by some acclaimed director, John H. Lee.

Somehow, I do tend to relate dramas, especially when it involves romance and relationships and that's why I do like watching them when I hardly even watch movies. What's more interesting is that these two are a couple in real life, despite their 11-year age difference, Liu Yifei is 28 while Song Seung Heon is 39 - which brings me to the next topic to muse.

How would it feels like to date someone 10 years plus older than you? Or even to have some feelings? This excludes celebrity crushes on older guys like Song Seung Heon, Gong Yoo, Lee Byung Hun (which I rarely favour but these are the hotter ones).

I've never dwelled or thought about this topic before because most of the time, I'm meeting people around my age, with 2-4 years age gaps and I don't really find older guys too charming. But recently, I surprised myself by having such a thought. Perhaps after having met so many guys and having quite a few bad experiences, it does indeed fulfill some of the criteria which I do (and rather most women in general) look for in a guy, I believe. Charisma, stability, confidence, goal-oriented, well-connected, maturity, sensitivity - qualities that only time and experience would mould (then again, there are exceptions). However, there are qualities they would lack as they lose their boyishness, recklessness and perhaps fun-loving nature but this shouldn't be generalised. Over the past year, I've met guys who are younger but have the maturity of an older gentleman, and older guys who still retain their boyishness.

Perhaps I'm rather tired of the uncertainties of life, as fun they might be, and am feeling rather old, but having someone mature who is certain and confidence of his direction does give me a sense of stability in this evolving world. Perhaps I like consistency in my life - it makes things a lot easier in this complicated world. Perhaps that was what had drawn me to E in the first place, even though looks, height and abilities do play a part.

In the process of recovering and moving on, I've plunged headfirst into unchartered territories, which can be rather scary and comforting at the same time. I'm able to pinpoint qualities that I prioritise but it's scary that it seems like all these qualities are derived from the wrong person. I guess maybe it's too early to pen these thoughts down, since I'm still thinking hard about it but I hope nothing really bad happens when I touch the forbidden fruit.

Really like this song :)

 

Past the Quarter

Birthdays...You either hate them or you love them..

I've never liked birthdays although I do appreciate that some of my friends do make some birthdays memorable for me, like the one last year and at SPRUCE with the NUS Aquathlon people.

In 2 days, it would be my 26th birthday. And yes, I've passed the quarter and I really feel soooo old :(

And yes, none of the life goals had been met.

2015 was turning out pretty fine until the end of the year which was rather bittersweet. A part of me was hoping there could be some form of selective amnesia to forget E totally, yet the memories did seemed one of most memorable ever. People I've told about this did seem pretty disgusted at the total douchebag attitude E had and told me to let it go, but it's so hard. And it's worse when your mind conjures things in the future with him, especially after talking it over. As much as I think I'll burst into tears if I met up with him, it feels there isn't a proper closure to this issue without talking it over. I think the only way to let go would be to find someone else to be loved by and to love. Because only love can overcome all fears, hate and anxieties.

If only I can reverse time..maybe all the way back to selecting a junior college - I really wished I chose ACJC instead of TJC; perhaps I could have fit in better there and then also have better like-minded friends. Perhaps my life would have been totally different now. But there's no such thing as a time machine. 

Back to being 26 and single again...

Can we start afresh?

I wished I never knew you.

I've never felt this way before.

I wished you didn't tell me about your deepest thoughts, and asked about mine.

What went wrong?

I wished we didn't sit together and talk under the stars on that balmy evening.

You never told me and just left me.

I wished you didn't embrace me when you had to leave me each time.

I thought it was likely we could be something.

I wished you didn't tell me pugushipoyo randomly in the midweek.

You set the standards high, even though you told me I raised the bar.

I wished you didn't teach me that having good conversations was so interesting.

I thought maybe God sent you as a blessing, but I'm starting to think it is a painful experience.

I wished you didn't make me realise how important is it to be appreciate knowledge as it is.

As much as I would like to wipe you off my memories, I can't forget your voice.

I wished you didn't play with my emotions.

I'm trying to hate you... and I've never hated anyone before.

I wished you didn't once tell me how much you cared.

Even with all your weaknesses, I know I could never find someone else like you.

I wished you didn't tell me how much you respected me and that I was the prettiest in your sight.

I still can't bear to wipe out the photo we had together.

Much as I wished I never met you, I do wish we could just start afresh.

Waiting - Part of God's Plan?

Debs recommended me this article:
 http://www.jonathanngan.com/thoughts/2016/2/1/why-does-god-make-us-wait

Which was pretty good I must say..

Waiting - something the impatient me truly dread. Two ways to see it, life's too short to wait for something but patience can be a virtue (Love is patient, love is kind...). I can't stand slowness, the gaps in time that I have to fill alone but by taking your time, it allows one to appreciate the smaller things in life that people who rush a lot tend to miss out on. Being the extrovert, I also fear being lonely, having to do things alone tend to have a stigma and it's so much better to share your feelings with someone else - perhaps that's the reason why I blog and write, it's so hard to keep things to yourself.

Throughout this 6.5 weeks, there had been a lot of waiting, some of which I'm still waiting for. Waiting for the doctor's diagnosis and prognosis, waiting for the healing, waiting to be given the green lights to run/swim/bike, waiting for E's texts, waiting for my life to go back to normal - and the usual day-to-day stuff like waiting for the bus, waiting for friends...etc. Well, some pointers after reading and reflecting:

1.Waiting builds your reliance on God.

I guess it's pretty true; I've been crying out to God, praying to Him, talking to Him, so much more these days and to my horror, it had declined since I've gone back to work and training. But still, the need to pray and talk to God still seems so much more important these days. Does that build a better relationship with Him? I do hope so.

2. Trust God - God's delay does not necessarily mean denial

This can only be revealed on hindsight because till now, there are a lot of things that I'm still waiting for and thinking about. I would really need to learn to "enjoy this process" - as the article mention. I do pray that everything goes well in His time.

3. How do we make of it when things may not turn out as we expect?

God would not withhold things from us but things we think are good may not necessarily be good - so once again, on hindsight then we would know what works.

So, yesterday, for the first time in my life, I went to a cafe on my own - Coast & Company at Siglap. I must say it is pretty quiet and it's a place to just sit down and read without people chasing you off. What more, it was a bike-themed cafe! I had planned to read my travel guides but ended up reading this magazine about cycling and travelling called "Far Ride" which kind of allowed me to realise that cycling, photography, travelling and design came all together. Also, a thought of working at a cafe would be pretty interesting, especially if I plan to take no-pay leave ;) Well, for future consideration. That afternoon, I did think quite a lot about E and I guess, understood him a lot better in the aspect of his dreams and cycling. I believe it is a rather unique thought that I doubt many Singaporean guys would have (besides him and Chris) but it is a rather lovely dream, I must say. It had also allowed me to respect pure cyclists a lot more, as they actually do respect their bikes a lot more than triathletes - the workmanship of the bike, more than the parts that make it go fast; as well as the beauty of cycling, rather than just the thrill of competing. Of course, both would come hand-in-hand but it's like appreciating knowledge for the process of gaining it and the beauty of information itself, more than the usage of the knowledge gained.

Perhaps I should do this again.

And yes, time does heals (I hope).

Lang Leav, Raw Emotions, True words...

I've never encountered such a writer as Lang Leav. Her words, although rather simple, seem to reflect all my raw inner thoughts so accurately. She is one who writes about love and relationships, most of , the time rather sad feelings, mirrors my current emotional state.

"I loved how his eyes danced merrily,
and the gentle way he spoke;
the way he filled my aimless days,
with bitterness and hope.

I loved him as I fell to sleep,
and each morning as I woke;
I loved him with all my wayward heart - until the day it broke"

I really loved "Talk again" as well.

Somehow, it is true that emotions bring out the best in our writings. When emotions flood in, the tears roll, words seem to flow more easily although your heart might be too distraught for your mind to pen the words systematically down. But recently, I've been penning down so much of my thoughts because it's pretty tiring to keep it all in my mind (and also because I'm less active now due to my injury).

It was pretty much "love at first sight" - although I'm a non-believer of that because it was always one-sided. This was the first time there was a mutual attraction and I do miss that attention. I've never met such a cute scientist, thought that it only exists in reel life.

I do miss seeing E, hearing about his passion and talking together about his dreams. It was not only about sports or work, which I do hear most of the time, it was both. I've never heard of a person so bold to pursue not normal goals, but great dreams, and actually meticulously having plans for them. I've never met someone who truly appreciates knowledge and conversations, being one of great knowledge and a good conversationalist himself, yet allows me to feel comfortable in silence. I'll never really look at someone else in the same light.

What happened to all the 보고 싶어요?

나는, 너무 보고 싶어요 ... :(

5 Weeks Post-accident Updates

As the heading reads, it has been 5 weeks after I got hit and broke my clavicle. Has things changed?

Yes and no.

Yes in the way E treats me and somewhat gives me the impression that there would be bad news (unfortunately more cold, and friendzoned) and no, we are not meeting still. You might have thought you won't hurt me, but I think you did, A LOT and I can't seem to move on.

Yes in how my condition seems better and I can run (thank God I don't hurt anymore when I move) and no, the bone hasn't rejoined.

Yes in how I'm back at work and people are more used to me and no, I'm still pretty inefficient doing cases.

Yes in how I'm happy to feel slightly closer to God and doing more devotions now and no, I'm still hoping to look for a church that I feel at home in.

Yes in what I learnt about the body mechanics through reading and talking to friends such as how fractures heal, what is a pneumothorax, speech therapy and vocal cords.

Just a tip for those who injured their collarbone (mine was a comminuted fracture, which is a break into many pieces), I definitely feel a surgery would be better but unfortunately wasn't given that option. Also, exercises you can do (only) would be walking, climbing stairs (least movement to shoulder) and stationary cycling.

Well, as much as the doctor gave some good news, there was a double whammy when my ex-crush and good friend told me he's attached. Somehow this hurts more and I'm really not looking forward to this year at all :(

Oh by the way, I saw this blog about broken collarbone, would need it for future reference:
http://www.hanskellner.com/2006/04/24/chads-broken-collar-bone-report/