Week 10 & counting to the end + Taylor Swift

Moving to the end of Week 10 and 3 more essays plus 1 more presentation to go before the exams..

In a way time moves sooo fast, sometimes you want it to but sometimes you'll wish it would just slow down.

Supposed to work on my essay now (yes on a public holiday I'm in school alone..thank God for the nice drizzle, hopefully it won't get too stuffy later) but I thought I should just pen down some random thoughts.

Today, we had training in the morning at 8am >.< freaking HOT so I didn't exactly do a proper workout I guess..but with an essay in mind, its never easy to do a mentally challenging set! Ok, I didn't know whether a bad dream was that bad to wake me up in time for training but I did not like that dream at all :((( a dream of betrayal & heartache..no wonder I woke up :/ After training, Ryan suggested we go have brunch together; then we decided to have ice cream at Mr Bean. Goshhh..I feel so slack, wasting so much time and eating some not-very-healthy stuff too..don't know if its worth it for that amount of moments spent. Sometimes, I think that I'm soooo stupid, always never learning from all the past experiences that failed (5 to be exact). Its hard to stop being so calculative honestly speaking but I think it might just make a difference - case to make - I actually took off my watch to run today for 2 sets, and it did not feel that bad at all!

Next thing, I'm sooo not looking forward to after next week - after John's Powerman; gonna miss training with him and all the trips home on Wed/Thur for a while. Ok not a while but a longggg time :(( hope he'll be back before I leave for China..sighh..I'm so used to not being aloneeee in travelling..

Thirdly, I'm not a sucker for English pop songs but really, some are really great..have been listening to some Maroon5, Usher's Numb, some clubbing songs (something which I've missed!) and Taylor Swift!!

(Picture from Wiki)

Seriously, her songs echo certain thoughts in my mind..Sums up her new album:

"All the different emotions that are written about on this album are all pretty much about the kind of tumultuous, crazy, insane, intense, semi-toxic relationships that I’ve experienced in the last two years. All those emotions — spanning from intense love, intense frustration, jealousy, confusion, all of that — in my mind, all those emotions are red."

The songs do really bring out such emotions in me as well. Really nice to listen to especially on some emo-nights alone..

MIND OVER BODY..NOT THAT EASY.

I'm writing once again.

Sorry that the posts seem all really depressing but this is really a period in which I see myself struggling with myself.

The only enemy is YOURSELF. Sounds cliche but very much true. This is a really painful and weary battle that I know I really can't fight alone because I have NO IDEA how to deal with myself.

Sighs.

My stupid competitive nature stands in contrast with the give-up cowardly attitude within myself & these two controversial sides had came into conflict so many times, especially this semester. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.. :(

On one hand, I am really pissed with myself for losing out to so many people in today's beep test & the past few races I've been doing. On the other hand, in the midst of it, I seem to hold this defeatist attitude that just say "give up, you won't be able to catch up very much"


A solution please! D:

Below Expectations...

Recently, I've been trying to keep up with trainings; increasing my intensity to 7 times a week, ignoring Mr Quek's motto of not overtraining in order to test my limits - motivated by the aquathlon people's practice of training for more than 7 sessions a week. I don't really know if my body can take or not but for now, I think its taking a toll on my speed - so I really don't know what should I exactly do. Should I just press on or not? By not racing well in today's NIKE race (first time I'm slower than Meihui & Tiff), unlike previous few NIKE races, as well as yesterday's Geylang Serai 4.3k (ONLY) it is really affected my confidence level in racing :(  Plus Meihui & Bee were like running at 42min+ when I was only doing a 46min?!?!

Am I really burning out? Or I just did not push hard enough during trainings and hence my lousy timings?? Next year; I really have to aim to do much better and fight back my top5.

To keep in mind John's words "We learn from our worst races, not the ones we win"

Wise words from my go-home buddy which really makes a lot of sense. I'm really thankful for him..always listening to my complaints and all, encouraging me & making me feel a lot better about myself :)

Maybe it would be good to set a simple off season goal for myself:

Swim 10k + Run 30k per week.

Quick Thoughts about Sermon

Decided to jot down some of my thoughts about Ps Daniel's sermon today - doesn't sound too promising but maybe I should think about it more.

He talked about 2 Kings-Azariah, today & commented about success and prosperity. Something that caught my attention was that he said that God might not grant you success and you might have to fight all your life because He knows your character well that you can't handle success.

I thought: is that why I've never tasted success before? Because God knows that I probably can't handle it? After all, God won't burden you with something He knows you can't handle.. :O

I really don't know if its a good or bad thing but the yearning for success; over the years have made me feel upset, bitter, miserable, envious before - so how is that actually for my own good?

I have no answers but should perhaps think about it.

The 3 awesome groups in my university life..

I just only thought of writing this after reading my friend, Jingzhi's FB note but his note was really rather inspiring in some sense, cynical, pessimistic yet optimistic at the same time. But it did say a lot, one more attaining IDOL STATUS to add to my IDOL LIST..hahahhahas

But it did make me think about the 3 most important group of people that really impacted me in NUS - and totally changed my life & taught me a lot. And I'm sure you've guessed it - the soccer girls (and to some extent the guys); the crossers and the aquathlon people. Maybe I should just go through them one at a time.

1. SOCCER GIRLS (& GUYS)

First group of people I've known in uni since I've joined it at the start of school. In TJC, I was considered pretty good in the sport but in uni, comparatively, I sucked (and I only realised in Yr 2, when all the pro-juniors came in)  Ok but basically this group of girls are fun to be with, sincere and friendly. Soccer was something I liked and I was thankful for a clique of good friends like Minli, Audrey, Emily, Yiting and also thankful for making it into the squad for 2years till my stamina isn't good enough to make up for my lack of speed :(

The guys, whom I knew only much better during BIG recently (before it was only a couple like Eepin, Kristian, Sam and Shaun Teo) taught me what was FUN. They were the craziest type of sportspeople I've ever known - maybe soccer people are notorious for that; tattoos, smoking, drinking and doing the craziest, funniest, stuff but well, maybe thats why I'm attracted to them. Yet, when they played, they gave their all, I could see that - probably the baddest gang but time spent with them were certainly memorable. :)


2. CROSSERS

The group whom I know after the soccer people; made up of a bunch of talents as well - runners from secondary & junior college and some national superstars - but still thankful that I've got a good of close girlfriends - siewmin, zak, anne, meihui, tricia, caisang. And that I spent most of my 4 years here with this group of talented, fun and awesome friends. Although sometimes (mostly nowadays) I do wish that I had some real talent in running so that I will be able to do so much better because I realised that training hard, can only get you that far..and sometimes, that really makes me feel quite miserable & lousy :/ Well, I do question, so what if you did your best, there are people who didn't try hard and still win - though winning is not everything..

Maybe I'm not that happy here, after all ?

3. AQUATHLON people

I'm really thankful to know this bunch of awesome people. And actually I've got to thank Arasu for kicking me out of soccer so that I have the time and enough courage to join their trainings. Honestly, my first training with them - swim; was intimidating. I didn't really know what to expect; from myself, from trainings and the people - it was totally out of my comfort zone, since I sucked at swimming and wasn't entirely pro at running as well. Anyways, from this team, I started to know the craziest people on earth, seriously; I don't know how people can double/triple train everyday and still cope with school w/o ever seeing fatigue (not that their faces show) and juggle 3 disciplines and being good in all.

These are people who have taught me to ignore human and personal limits - and quoting JZ "overtrain for fun just to feel invincible", yet they have also shown a very human side to that; that injury was really possible. Maybe I haven't found enough time - and courage to overtrain to the point of injury (and I'm starting to believe that it would really make you improve). Maybe I will do that - someday; when I've lost the satisfaction of trying to win. I'm really humbled by their determination and motivations because most of the people from this group - unlike the first 2 - are NOT talented, at least not superbly; they just train HARD - for the adrenaline, for the joy of pain, for the happiness of completing insane distances. Honestly, I feel that perhaps, this is the group I look highly to. And something I would like to strive too..Lastly, I don't know if this is a downside or not, but they've also taught me how precious friends are, many being cyclists - I do worry A LOT for them - accidents DO happen (Justin, John, Sara, Eden...) Yet, the never-fear-never-say-die attitude can be seen throughout.  I really really <3 u guys

Terrible Week (most likely..more to come)

Answer to my previous question:
Would a good-looking guy want to date a normal girl? Why? Is it even possible?

Totally impossibleeee....That only happens in Korean dramas.

Anyways..it was really quite a bad week for me..Late essay submission though i started early(again! :O ).. skipped trainings..those i went were bad too..sighs..FML.

SUNIG Closing..once again, it's bad to have so much expectations..maybe its the programme itself that was bad, i dunno but i didn't manage to do all that I planned/wanted to do. Though this time, it was really cool that I didn't have to hang out with one group, it was also hard to be a social butterfly! Really wanted to take photos with some people but didn't managed to & WTF, a huge pimple was on my cheek D:

Mooncake Festival at Gardens By the Bay: Didn't go. Emo-ed the whole of yesterday away cos of midterms on Mon..sighs.. I STILL DUN HAVE A CHANCE TO VISIT THAT REALLY PRETTY PLACE!!!!! CAN SOMEONE BRING ME THERE PLEASEEEEE....

Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines..When can i see the light at the end of the tunnel..The worst thing is that I feel like time is running up for me as an undergrad..there's still lotsa things I haven't done nor accomplished. Which I really feel very sad about..

Worst still, trainings are making me very discouraged because I don't see myself improving. Why don't I have some form of talent..that would make things a lot easier..

Please God give me strength (preferably some visible indication) to get through this whole thing :(